12 Years Ago...

12 years ago...

You were so tiny, so frail, so ill...and so beautiful.

12 years ago...

I was so curious, so spellbound, so immediately overwhelmed.

12 years ago...

I gave my heart to you, and I'd never be the same.

12 years ago...

You put your hand in mine and never looked back.

All I ever imagined motherhood would be, all I never dared dream it would be
It was that and much, much more.

You have changed so much, and yet you are still the same
The same quiet strength,
The same thoughtful introspection,
The same interests and passions
All being practiced  in a much larger body.

But still, even today, as you no longer look up at me but across at me
You sat on the couch, head on my shoulder, long legs stretched out over mine.
I quietly said "Today's your adoption anniversary."
You looked up at me and grinned.

Nothing more needed to be said.

The years are passing so quickly,
You are already more man than child.
In action and in heart, you are but a few years away
From becoming the man I saw inside the 11 month old.

I have a sneaking suspicion though
That nothing will take away
The love and commitment we both silently agreed to
That long ago Mother's Day.

I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living, my Baby you'll be.
Those days have passed, of lullabies and butterfly kisses.
But what remains and what lies ahead is exciting, too.
A little sorrow for what has passed and a lot of joy for what's next.

We'll always be connected, you and I
Not by blood, not by looks, not by genes
But by something better, that lasts forever
We're linked by love that can't be measured.

And as we walk side by side
Your pinky reaching to link with mine
Others may never understand
A love that was not from biology, but offered from the Divine.

I love you, Matthew LaJoy, and my life changed course the moment I first held you and you nuzzled my neck, never turning back or responding ever again to your birth name.  You waited for me, and I waited for you, and we had an incredible journey to take together.  We are not done, not by a longshot!

Not only that, Matt, but I LIKE you...your humor, your insight, your creativity, your laughter, your companionship, your navigational abilities, your silence, your self-knowledge...I like it all.  And you know what else?  As much as I wish I could turn back the hands of time at moments, as much as I wish I could be rocking you to sleep with you wearing feetie pajamas and me softly singing "You are my little boy from Kazakhstan...", I wouldn't trade this time together with you as a "tween" for anything.  You are "tween" childhood and manhood, and it is a delight to witness.

You are not my first born, for that role has been taken from you twice over...but you are my first held, and you helped me become the mom who could mother others.  No doubt there is much, much more yet to learn from you, my beloved son.

Happy Family Day, Matthew.

Love Always and Forever,
Mom