Toddlers to Teens

It's 9:30 pm and I pull up in front of the house.  It's dark and damp out, and I'm returning from choir practice, having missed Olesya and Matthew's first volleyball game of the season.  Several hours ago, Dominick drove off with the van full, headed toward Grand Junction, while I spent the next couple of hours blissfully alone in the house before heading off to another night of singing and laughter with the Sweet Adelines chorus.

Walking through the front door, Dominick tells me the kids all just headed off to bed, but within moments they find their way down the hall and to the kitchen, where we spend the next hour rehashing the game (it was bad!), the singing (it was good!), and Matt's Civil Air Patrol meeting (it was ok!).  Voices tumbled over one another, as we gathered, teased, and talked.

It was one of those moments...the kind where you smile at your life and send a prayer up as you sit filled with incredible gratitude.  Dominick is leaning on the counter behind, watching...listening...grinning.  He looks at me and says, "Mom's home!" as they all continue to go on sharing about their adventures of the afternoon.  I hear Olesya's perspective as she tells me it was not her best game, but she was happy because even though they lost, they all played together well as a team, better than they have in practice.  Angela is giggling up a storm as she talks about how Dad was goofing around during the game and kept her laughing the whole time...so much so that she whacked her head on the wall behind her as she responded to one of his jokes.  Josh arrives on the scene, smelling Old Spice fresh, hair damp from his shower.  Matthew sits down and shows me his rug burn from the game, which was played on a carpeted surface.  I lean over and kiss it, look up at him, and that deep voice says, "Thanks Mom, now it's all better!" and we all find that hilarious.  Kenny starts laughing and can.not.stop. for some reason, and we all laugh because he is laughing.

There was nothing special about the hour we spent together, and yet there was everything special about it.  I am old enough, and wise enough, to know that these moments are missing from many families, and that the constant tension that fills the rooms of so many homes is more the norm than the scene before me.  There are families of teens who seldom speak to one another, doing nothing more than brushing shoulders as they pass one another in the hall on their way back to their bedrooms, where they live in isolation with technology and Facebook.  They emerge only to leave for school or activities, then cocoon again once they return, offering parents not much more than grunts or annoyed expressions at their attempts to engage their kids in conversation.

We are blessed, all of us.  Oh, we have days, just like everyone else, days where I complain about the dirty dishes that don't make it to the dishwasher, the brain death that seems to occur because of Teenage Syndrome, the four thousand six hundred and ninety one hairbands that I have to pick up that are magically migrating everywhere but to the bathroom.  There are days when we all need a break from one another, when school work is too challenging, when deficits are harder to work with, or when we just don't feel like doing anything that day.  We muscle through, we "kick bootie" as we like to say, we talk about the frustrations and we find solutions.  Basically, our motto is, "We Try".

We have conversations that are different, our experiences season our dialogue.  Genetics lessons are filled with references to the parents who are no longer parenting, and the questions of who we really are hang in the air above us, like empty cartoon speech balloons waiting for answers to fill them.  Frank discussions about Sex Ed are honest and direct, and as the days go on, they grow to contain the pain of abandonment, and contraception and abortion statistics take on new meaning.  We talk about mechanics and responsibilities, about choices and consequences.  They become more comfortable asking questions, and I become ever more grateful that these conversations are happening around our kitchen table rather than in a classroom, where morals are infused along with the information.  This isn't "The Talk", that happened long ago.  This is relationship training, this is reproduction explained in depth with visuals, this is conversation about sex that is not fear or guilt based, but is realistic, thorough, and is about so much more than naming body parts.  It is about recognizing choices that one day, not too far in the future, they will be making.  Much to the surprise of an outsider, I am sure, there is little blushing or discomfort, for this is little more than an extension of the work that has been going on since Day One.  Really, we are talking about Life...not Sex...and it is apparent to me as time goes on that they are all viewing it as that, which pleases me.

Years ago I had a specific hope for our family.  We had toddlers and preschoolers at the time, and I vividly recall hoping that as our kids grew older, we would somehow find a way to be close knit and that we wouldn't lose them to teen culture.  I hoped we would have Big Talks about Big Things, that our kids wouldn't automatically treat us with the usual disdain that arrives around 13 years old, and that we all would have a great appreciation for one another throughout our lives.  Our three older adoptees were a mere gleam in our eye at the time, when I had a conversation with someone that remains seared in my mind.  It went basically like this..."You're crazy, by about 10 your kids will push you away, and by 13 you are sort of done parenting.  You'll be lucky if they acknowledge your presence by the time they are 15, let alone have any meaningful conversations.  It'll never happen."  Wow, talk about a depressing forecast for our future!

And yet I knew how true that was in so many homes. I yearned for more for all of us.

Somehow, we pulled it off.  Some have said it is at great sacrifice, I vehemently do not see it that way.  It is at great gain!  Sure, we have had to give up a few things, but they are nothing of value.  Yes, we are probably stressed over money a lot, but who isn't?  If I were out working and bringing home a paycheck, I doubt that our financial concerns would change, it would just be over different things.

I get to be greeted warmly by our teenage children!  I get to spend my days with the most interesting people ever, engaged in the most interesting conversations I could ever wish for as we wrestle with Syria and the dehumanization of "the other" so that killing is easier, compare and contrast war with individual relationships,  and talk about how the cycle of poverty might be broken and why it is so difficult.  We read Maya Angelou together, we talk about the Green Lantern and his Super Powers, we dissect things both literally and figuratively.  We create, we write, we grow.  Most importantly, we stay deeply connected, and we imagine our futures.

Sometimes I wonder, do most parents walk through their life recognizing how fortunate they are?  Do they spend as much time in overwhelming gratitude for the kids that bless their lives?  Does a smile spring to their lips when their children cross their minds?  Do they often exchange looks with their spouse over the tops of their kids's heads as they listen to their excited talk about friends, sports, or comic book characters?  I do know we might be totally weird.  I recognize that being childless for the first 13 years of our marriage may make a tremendous difference in how we approach family life.  I do see how our kids may view family differently based upon their own prior lives.  But I hope, with all my heart, that most parents feel this way.  I hope, with all my heart, that there is as much joy in many families of teens as there is in families of toddlers.

Kenny summed it up somewhat humorously for me today as we drove home from yet another orthodontist appointment.  He was evidently feeling introspective this morning as out of the blue he said, "Mom, thank you for the dentist and my braces.  I was just thinking that most kids probably don't even think about saying thanks to their parents for something so expensive."  I said he was very welcome, and he grew quiet again for a moment, then said, "You know, Mom, we are all so lucky to have each other.  The circle of life is so cool, someday you and Dad might need help with your teeth, and maybe I'll be able to help with that.  That may sound silly, but I am glad our family is something we can all count on so we all have what we need.  But mostly, I am glad I am in a family where I can just be happy and we have fun."

So, as I contemplate with great gratitude that one day my son will eagerly purchase my dentures, I will rest easy, knowing I am loved!  

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Soft and Silent Sunday

It is Sunday afternoon, and we are taking a day of rest, or at least a partial day of rest.  We attended church this morning, and the kids asked to spend the rest of the day working on school work so they could start the week caught up.  Volleyball season is taking 3 full afternoons a week from us, then we still volunteer on Monday mornings at the Food Bank, as well as this week we will be there Tuesday afternoon for our monthly help as they unload their big order.

The kids have been working SO, SO hard, and Dominick and I are very proud of how they have quietly stepped up to the plate.  We knew volleyball would require extra efforts, so we made a pledge during the season to try and get to the table by 7:30 am each morning to begin work.  They've done so every single day, without complaint, and are tackling a lot of subjects each week.  We usually do school far more hours than many do who homeschool, but our situation is a little different as well.  We are normally at school 8-9 hours a day...this is our job, and we take it seriously.  I have noticed that, over time, the kids' attention span has definitely increased, and they are usually the ones asking to do "...just a couple more pages, then we are at the end of the chapter."

We had good news this week, but it will make the next couple of months even more hectic.  Under normal circumstances, we would nix the idea as it is just too much, but it is just until the end of October, then we can let life get back to normal.  We have all been bummed to learn that our TaeKwonDo instructor retired.  He was a really firm, kind, wonderful teacher and we had four kids left to obtain their black belts, all of whom were one step away except Olesya, who was just two steps away.  We looked at alternatives so they kids could finish up, but they were too far away or too expensive.  We got a call from our local Rec Center that they found an instructor and wanted to know if we were interested.  I have to call them back first thing tomorrow, but everyone is thrilled to have their chance to complete the long road to black belt that they have all worked so hard for.  It is going to mean being gone every week night, which certainly doesn't thrill any of us, but it is the accomplishment of a goal that is well worthwhile, so we all decided that short term, it will eb worth it.

Taking the time this weekend to rest and catch up is just what we needed.  The house is very quiet as everyone studies or works on projects.  I decided this afternoon I was taking the rest of the day off...no laundry, no cookin', nuthin'!  It feels good to let go of everything for a few hours before the new week arrives.

I hope everyone else had a little rest this weekend, too!  Sorry I have nothing more interesting to write about!

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A Labor Day with a Little Labor, a Little Fun!

Labor Day weekend has passed, and it included some labor as well as some fun!  We spent the weekend with a fair amount of relaxing, including having friends over for dinner a couple of times, playing card games, watching movies, and having late night conversations.  Dominick had to work early mornings, and we all worked yesterday afternoon and evening at the airport restaurant, where we served folks leaving the Telluride Film Festival.

We had a little surprise yesterday morning, when we drove to Grand Junction to watch Dominick use his birthday gift from February...a 30 minute trip around the Go Kart race track!  The kids and I pitched in together to buy him a gift certificate, as we thought he would get a huge kick out of it.  What we didn't know was his reason for delaying going up to redeem his certificate, and that was that he was trying to save enough money for ALL of us to be able to race together!  As we arrived and went inside, he surprised us all by giving up his 30 minutes, and contributing extra so that all of us could race for 10 minutes.  We tried to talk him out of it, but he said, "No way, we're all going to have fun!".  For the kids, this was their first real experience driving anything that was not on a contained track, and they were ecstatic.  Here's a peek at the preparations, though I have no pics of us on the track since we were all in our little cars:

We are hitting the age with the kids when many folks are now starting to make comments about when they start driving, dating, etc.  Angela is 15 1/2, and eligible for a permit if age were our only criteria.  Suffice it to say, none of our kids will be driving at 16.  It isn't just about the money, though of course for us that is a huge concern.  My years as an insurance agent were enough to show me that 16 is too young to be a responsible, careful driver for most kids, and Dominick and I said our kids wouldn't drive at 16 many years ago.    Most would probably not believe it, but we have don't have an ounce of push back from the kids about that.  We have had a couple of long conversations with all the kids, and explained our reasons why we want them to wait, and backed it up with current accident statistics.  I showed them this chart:

Also, I think many adults with kids who are grown and gone are unaware of the national trend toward driving at later ages.  I have been keeping abreast of this, for obvious reasons, and I am sure much of it has to do with the economic downturn and that there are fewer entry level jobs available to youth to begin to save for a car, gas, insurance, etc.  I thought I'd share this here as it might be a surprise to many to see the dramatic shifts in teen driving.  In the early-mid 80's when Dominick and I were in our teens, by 17 EVERYONE seemed to have a driver's license, and indeed it appears that 70% had one...and a car...and the attendant costs.  When you look at 2010, less than 45% of teens have a license at 17 years old, and in fact it isn't until you reach the 20-24 year olds that you see the % of younger drivers reaching that 70% mark.  Surprising, isn't it? :

The kids are also wise enough, and seasoned enough travelers to understand that where we live means far different driving conditions than some kids have...say like I did in Southern California.  We have explained to them that we will talk about a permit at 17, and then we want them to have enough all weather hours behind the wheel that we feel confident in their skill level before we turn them lose on winter mountain roads.  With 4 kids who are all a year and four months apart, it will take us awhile to accumulate enough driving time for each of the kids to get a lot of practice!  It's not like having them spread 2 years apart, that's for sure.  

So driving on a contained track in little go karts, even if only for 10 minutes, was a real treat and we all enjoyed it!  Dominick, of course, came in first by a long shot, while Matthew wasn't far behind.  I spun out twice, and then waited to assist Olesya and Josh at different times, both of whom ended up spinning out with lots of giggle, so I ended up at the end of the pack.  

After our special surprise, it was off to Kmart to find some clothes for Angela and Kenny, both of whom we have a hard time finding appropriate things for.  With their Labor Day 65% off sale, we were able to make quite a haul and outfit them with a few new things each.  The kids all decided we ought to make this our annual Labor Day ritual...driving on the track and Kmart shopping.  Yea, it takes very little to get us excited...the thrill of the chase, both on the track and in the shops!

We rushed back to town to be to work at 3:30 PM, where we all worked for a few hours before hitting the hay early.  We are starting our school days at 7:30 AM, which means an early wake up for all of us at around 6:15 AM.  I am glad we have managed to be disciplined about that, because I am the WORST about getting up early!

In between the labor and the fun this weekend, I had a late night conversation with Angela which was so sweet.  Among other things we talked about, she wanted to reassure me that what I did every day teaching them mattered.  She said she knew I was doing something very different from many moms, and that I might feel at times like my "job" was not important.  She said to me, "Mom, what you are doing is as important as a college professor.  I have thought a lot about this, and if we end up not learning what we need to learn, it effects our own kids, and their kids, and their kids.  It also means we don't do good on jobs or anything else, so everyone we work with is effected as well.  I think what you are doing is super important, and you do it really well.  I was thinking the other day that I never thought I would learn English so fast, or so many other things.  When I came home, I was actually dumb.  I was a bad student in school, I didn't know many things for my age, and I think I have learned more in 3 years here with you than I learned in my whole life until then.  Most important, if I had not been at home with you, I wouldn't have understood God. The past 6 months or so I think I totally get what you have tried to teach us about how following God makes it all just work better.  Before, I didn't really get it.  But you keep explaining things to me, showing where God is in it, and where God is in me.  I never would have learned that in a regular school.  In fact, I probably would have made fun of it."  then she added, "You are probably the best teacher I will ever have, even though I know I will have other good teachers.  You work so hard to make sure we get a good education.  I hope you know we all are very lucky to have you, and I want to thank you for all you went through the past few months trying to make sure things were best for us.  It was very hard for you, and it feels so much better now.  I am glad you and Dad made the decision, and I know you must be a little scared.   But we all will pull together, and we will have all the things we need to learn.  We will share our money so we all get our books or paper.  We are a Team, remember?  We are Team LaJoy, and it is the best team we will ever be on."

Wow.  That conversation alone made every sleepless night worthwhile.  It was a strong reminder that none of us are in this alone, and that one way or another, we will make it.  We are a team, and like the Marines, no man gets left behind.  Dad doesn't get left alone at work if he needs help, Mom doesn't get left hanging with house work, kids have all the help they need with Mom and Dad side by side encouraging them and believing in them.  As I worried about taking away a sense of "belonging" if we let the school, I forgot one little thing...we all already belong to each other.  We work together, we play together, we pray and laugh together. A little labor and a little fun makes for a wonderful life!

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This is What You Have Done

Thank you!!  Thank you!!  I have no idea who may have sent a donation to the Wrights yesterday, but it is making a big difference!  You know, we can send money for food and clothes, and that is always needed, but money for school CHANGES lives forever and keeps kids out of orphanages, out of the hands of those who would take advantage of them, and offers a real future.  Kids who age out of the system need help to make it, real, concrete help.  Kids who are not yet aged out but live in poor families who can't afford school need help so their fate does not end up leading to institutionalization or life on the street.  If we educate them, we give them opportunity and a future.

Check out John's blog to see what has already happened thanks to your generosity! And if you feel a little nudge and can send even $10, that can help get a child into school combined with others who donate $10.:

http://actofkindness.blogspot.com.au/2013/08/hope-for-future.html

Now, I'm off to educate our kids!

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Magnify Your Blessings!

It's Back to School week for so many around America.  Shopping carts are filled to the brim with crisp new notebooks, pencils in Ticonderoga yellow, and glue sticks galore.  There are clothes to buy and shoes to be fitted along with the requisite lunchboxes and snack packs.  Another year, as children grow in knowledge and parents take yet another baby step in the letting go process that eventually leads to the very last First Day of School before their babies are off on their own.

Halfway across the world, there are parents desperately hoping for a brighter future for their own children, but the cost of pencils and notebooks outpaces their ability to provide.  They know that particularly in their country, an education is the sole way out of the desperate poverty they live in.  There is the choice between eating or coal for the winter versus tuition in a place where a free education does not exist.  These are literally life and death choices, with high consequences.

Emma and Bekah Wright have hit the ground in Kyrgyzstan, and the needs are huge.  There is food needed for seniors, there are concerns about filling needs for heating for the fast approaching winter.  There are repair projects to the buildings in hospitals and orphanages for which there is literally no one else to take on.

It seems like there is always a cause that is good that we wish we could help with, always a hand in need.  It can be difficult when trying to afford the necessities of our own life to give much thought to the unseen needs of those who live so far away.  And yet funds donated that help give a hand up rather than a hand out are some of the most wisely spent dollars ever.  They have lasting impact, rather than just create a short term solution.

Take a look over at the list of needs at John Wright's blog.  Is there a little something there you could pitch in to help with?  Could you buy one less pair of jeans here, so a child there could have the basic supplies to get an education with?  Or maybe you are feeling called to do a little more, there are sponsorships available, and other needs to be met.  Could you do without a Starbucks just once a week, and dedicate that cash to the hand up?

Blessings shared are blessings magnified.

http://www.actofkindness.blogspot.com/2013/08/actofkindness-state-of-union-address.html

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Happy 47th to Me!

Today is my 47th birthday.  It is a lovely summer day out, and I am stuck sitting here on my couch in sweats as I nurse a case of strep throat.  Thankfully, the fever has passed, though yesterday I was feeling double lousy and had a high fever throughout the day.  Funny how a 4-5 degree difference internally can make you so glassy eyed and completely out of it.  I hope my raw throat heals fast, as I am already a little sick of barely being able to swallow even soup.

47 seems old.  Really old.  I recall my mom being in her late 40's and early 50's, and thinking that was just so old, and now I am here.  Some days I feel it, others not so much.  But my 40's have been wonderful years, filled with joy, laughter and the use of the wisdom the first 30 took to gather.

As I look back on my 47 years, it would appear I haven't accomplished all that much.  I don't have a career of any sort, and in fact am currently unemployed.  I don't have a diploma from a university.  My bank account most often is in the tens at the end of the month, so I can't even fathom the 6 digit incomes of others.  My car is a mom style minivan, not some sleek roadster, and is really in need of tires...again.   I have little identity outside of my family.  I am not well known in town, I hold no positions of authority or prestige.

However, I am in a place I could never have imagined when I was younger.  I have been tremendously blessed with a rock solid marriage, amazingly kind and warm children, terrific friends, and a decent home with a car that runs :-)  Oh, there were times when just the "car that runs" would have been tops on my list.  As I said, wisdom increases with age.  I had no idea back in my early 20's what it really took to be happy, no idea at all.

The best gift I have received with age is this...contentment.  It is where I am at today at 47 years old, as I recognize the deep value to what I am doing and who I have become.  I never aspired to climb the Corporate ladder or become "somebody", though others at times assumed I should.  When I think back to my younger years, I realize that the thing I desired to be successful at most in life was being a wife and mom.  Wow, how 1950's of me.  Even as I was working my first job in our early years of marriage, I was planning on what my life would look like once kids came along, never imagining that would take 13 years to happen. I don't fulfill what many would think of as being a 1950's sort of mom, wearing the apron and baking fresh goodies all the time, but maybe I am the 2000's sort of mom, the one who blogs and photographs, who nurtures and hugs a lot, and who does not wear high heels and a strand of pearls when I serve dinner! Hahaha!

I wanted nothing more than what I currently have...a loving family.  That may sound like something small, but as I look at the world around me, I realize what a tall order that really was. To have achieved that thus far was beating the odds.

As old as I may be, I received the best "Hip and Cool Mom" gift from the boys, a total surprise.  You'd never be able to guess...

An Air Soft pellet gun! HAHAHA!!!  Isn't that rockin' cool?  Matthew and Josh have one, and they bought Olesya and I each one for our birthdays so we could go out and play with them.  Matthew looks like a SWAT team member with his vest and face mask, while Josh looks like a little SWAT mascot.  For the uninitiated, they shoot little plastic BB like pellets with some force, but not a huge amount.  If you are fully clothed and get hit from 20' away, you'll feel something, but not much.  This is not the same as a paintball gun, which can leave huge bruises.  We are wayyyy to wimpy for that!  We are mainly using them to hit Diet Coke cans and rotten vegetables from the garden.  Lame, I know.  They have been quite surprised to see how good a shot I am, as I share the skills my Dad taught me years ago.  Josh is a total eagle eye though, the best of all of us.  We have him on the waiting list for the shooting club here in town, and I have no doubt he will be quite good.  He's sort of a natural at it.

I recently did something just for me, when I started singing with the local Sweet Adelines group, called the DelRose Choir.  I am not officially a member yet, as I have to try out after learning some of their songs, and I am so hoping I am asked to join!!  I know...I know...Sweet Adelines Barbershop Music?  Isn't that old fashioned?  When I was a kid I heard a Sweet Adelines group sing in my old hometown at various events, and I loved them so much!  Four part a capella music and the blend of melody and harmony has always been a favorite of mine, geeky or not.  Maybe as I age I am more willing to embrace my inner geek, I don't know.  The ladies there are all so nice, and though most are older there are a couple of young girls singing with us as well, otherwise I just might be the youngest of the group.  I have been warmly welcomed, and if I "make it" I can see some friendships forming there as they are a bit irreverent, just like me.  Already in just one month, our 2 hour practices have become the highlight of my week and something I very much look forward to.  I haven't had so much fun in years, and I am so glad that I took my shaking knees in there the first night.  Never having had any training and not having sung in high school, I didn't have a clue if I could do it or not, but I quickly realized that I actually had been trained quite thoroughly with my stint in choir, as our talented Director worked diligently with us to learn the basics.

This year was a long and emotionally difficult one in all sorts of areas for me, but I sense that I have already turned the corner and that has just begun to change.  I think much of what we have been through the past 3-4 months with school has caused some growth in me.  I have come to realize that I need to fully embrace living outside the norm, and quit fretting about it...even if others do the fretting for us occasionally.   While we did have a little hiccup in confidence after receiving a couple of phone calls from the school this week, it was so clear that the weight had been lifted off our shoulders that we knew we had made the right decision.  All of us were so much happier and more relaxed as we did our school work this week.  We were using materials that fit us better and created the atmosphere we were missing from prior years.  I need to trust myself more, and not care whether we look "normal" or not.  We aren't normal, period.  Actually, I think I am quite glad about that.  The problem comes when you try to shove abnormal into a normal box...it never quite fits right.  So maybe I am coming to accept there is no box for us, and that is a good thing.

My hope for my next year of life is that contentment grows, that faith grows, and that love grows.  A happy surprise here or there would be lovely as well.  Oh yea, and maybe new tires for the van...hahaha!  After all, practicality still must remain.

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A Sanctuary Sort of Weekend

Everyone knows we LaJoy's are...well...a little different.  That is putting it mildly.  After the rocky couple of months we have had, and the particularly stressful last couple of weeks, one might think that our idea of a relaxing weekend would be something like sitting around a pool with a drink that has a tiny umbrella sticking out of it.  Or maybe a "Spa Day" with a mani-pedi and a massage.

Uh...no.

When you don't drink, that makes the little umbrellas sticking out of your Diet Cokes look a little silly.  And when you bite your fingernails (Confession Time), a manicure seems a little pointless.

So, instead, we had the incredible blessing of an old friend offer us a Sanctuary of sorts, and we took her up on the offer.  Now, many of you might not consider this a restful opportunity, nor even a desirable one.  But remember, we are Team LaJoy - Freaks Extraodinaire.  So, after weeks of this:

We decided that the most perfect get-away would be to our lovely nearby mountain town of Silverton, Colorado home of First Congregational Church where we have visited and I have preached.  And there we attended this:

After being generously offered the use of the Parsonage as our personal Bed and Breakfast, we decided it would be the perfect way to unwind and just be together as a family to attend the one and only 32nd Annual Great Western Rocky Mountain Brass Band Festival.

Ahhhh...I can hear your laughter now, and don't think I don't see those upraised eyebrows and eye rolling.  You have absolutely no idea what this actually is.  

Coming from far and wide for years and years, the top brass instrument musicians in the United States arrive to do what they do best, play.  We are not talking Joe Blow who happens to play his horn once or twice a year, we are talking about the premier brass musicians, many of whom are professors of music, or former military band members.  Their conductor since the 1980's, Mr. Paul Maybery, has a list of credentials a mile long, including arranging and orchestrating for several PBS specials, including several Ken Burns documentaries. 

Not knowing what to expect, we traveled up the mountains to where Silverton sits at 9500 ft in altitude, and quickly saw that the town's usual population of 450 or so year round had swelled to at least quadruple that amount for the big event.  That was the first sign that this was no ordinary concert.  We dropped our bags, made a quick dinner of sandwiches, and walked the block and a half to the high school gym (where this K12 school has an enrollment of about 63 students total).  Folding chairs were set up for the free concert, once of 4 they have throughout the weekend.  So here we are in the epitome of "Small Town America", a little table set up in back where the silver haired beauties are offering their wares of TShirts and bags, and we are settling in for the hour wait before the concert begins.

Here were a few of the sights, as the musicians wandered around warming up in authentic period costumes:

Now, I know what you are thinking.  "How quaint."or perhaps "Wow, that is totally hokey!"

We would be the ones having the last laugh, if that is the case.

After visiting with a few old friends who had traveled up to attend as well, the concert finally began.   They played the first few measures, and my jaw dropped to the ground.  I have never, ever in my life heard such musical excellence.  All you heard were rich, clear tones as each section was so perfectly in tune they sounded as if they were one instrument.  As a former marching band member myself of a pretty highly rated middle school and high school band in Southern California, I have listened to my share of some solid brass bands and music.  Nothing I have heard in all my years compared to the sound of this 40ish member band performing in a tiny high school gym.  This was phenomenal, and reading the newspaper article where bios of the musicians were listed explained it all.

The kids were stunned, and Angela in particular fell head over heels in love with the music.  She looked over at me 4 or 5 times throughout the concert saying, "This is the best ever, Mom...they are SO GOOD!".  She recognized a couple of the tunes, and one Russian arrangement she leaned over to say, "That sounds very, very Russian." She saw the name Tchaikovsky mentioned as one of the composers and commented beforehand that she knew that would be a good musical piece, so a little of our effort to expose to a wide variety of music is sticking a little.  Everyone had a fantastic time, especially at the end when the traditional patriotic songs were played.  The girls and Matthew all wanted TShirts, so they bought one and then during a brief break there was an audience participation moment and Joshie lucked out and won a Tshirt for being one of the 3 youngest in the audience.  Actually, there were very few people under 50 in attendance, and maybe 6 or so other kids in addition to ours.  

We had a really funny moment after the concert was over and an older gentleman tapped me on the shoulder.  He said in all seriousness, "I am sorry, but I just have to ask.  We've watched you all evening and been trying to figure it out.  Are you the mom to all these kids, or their music teacher?"  I laughed and said, "Actually...I'm both!" and then went on to explain.  He said, "I am so glad I asked, it would have had me wondering the rest of the weekend!".

We learned so much as the Conductor took time to explain a little of the history before each piece was played.  We all left walking in the street in the dark, giggling and laughing as we talked about what a huge surprise that had been for all of us, and every single one of us said we wanted to return next year.  Angela had been missing our church's Jazz Sunday, which due to the retirement of our choir director we would no longer be having, and she suggested that we make this be a new tradition to take its place.

All we were exhausted after the long drive and the extra long musical evening, but there was still a lot of soft conversation as we got tucked in for the night in the old 1800's parsonage.  Crooked walls, crooked floors all matched the crooked family sleeping there that night :-)  

We awoke early to get ready for the church service held right next door, and to get the place spic and span before the Coffee Hour was held there after church.  We loaded the van and went for a walk downtown in the early morning sunlight as we waited for worship time.  We talked about what it would be like to live in a place like this year round, about how hard your life would be but how very interesting and different it would be from most Americans, and we speculated about what the townspeople did during their very long and super cold winters.

The church service was a special treat as there were several musicians from the concert who came to perform for the worship hour, and we heard old time hymns played on a spectacular harp, and the other instruments breathed new life into old standards we all know and love. Sitting there in that old, old church, everything felt just right.  Joshie had the perfect seat with the best light for photos, so I caught a couple of him and of Kenny drawing in his newly decorated note pad while they waited for the church service to begin.  I was bummed to discover that several great photos I had of the girls were ruined as one of the kids had the camera for a while and messed with the settings, and that block of photos had the ones with the girls!

As we drove home and I sat with eyes closed in the passenger seat, I was thinking to myself that everything is going to be OK.  It's never going to be perfect, but perfect is over-rated.  We're no different than anyone else, just trying to get by and do the best we can. Sometimes we'll fail, other times we won't, but we will have tried with all our might.

We are blessed, ten times over.  Sometimes it does feel like it is all just getting harder...harder to make ends meet, harder to know what is best, harder to get everything done that needs to get done.  We plod through each day, finding little moments that we tuck away to pull out on the rougher ones.  We play, sing, laugh, and work together.  "Together" is the key word, we are together, we are whole, we are dreaming and doing.  It may not be the kinds of things others dream about, but it works for us.  We are continually on the trail to remind ourselves that what we have been blessed with is indeed "enough".  

I notified the school via email of our plans to withdraw and asked when we could schedule a face to face meeting to wrap things up.  The two staff members who work with us were such an encouragement as I was told by one that were the best family they have worked with in 13 years, and we ought to leave with great confidence that we can truly succeed.  The other said she completely respected our wishes, but hated to type the words "exit" in regard to "this fantastic family".  As much as I had been dreading sending that email and the responses we might receive, I felt so uplifted by the warmth that radiated through their responses.  They are both such strong advocates for "their" kids and they have done a lot for us as we faced uphill battles higher up the "food chain".  Just as when we left the brick and mortar school four years ago, it is with mixed emotions because we have encountered some people who care deeply about what they do.  Our family has had an unusually high number of folks we have interacted with through the years who care about us and who have gone out of their way to help.  I have no idea why, but the emails reminded me once again that God is woven throughout all we do and every encounter we have.  We have a lot of "paying it forward" to be aware of, that's for sure.

After our Sanctuary Weekend, we started back at school today with a renewed optimism.  We will still have glitches, but I think we have repaired the biggest glitch of all, for which I take full responsibility.  We forgot for a brief time that God is in control, and we are always more on course when we keep listening and discerning. Recognizing that circumstances change, plans change, and goals change is important, but even more important is the courage to act on what God is helping you to see, and not to allow yourself to feel "stuck".  Today was SO much better, we were all feeling we had turned the corner and were safely back "in the zone" for learning in the ways that best suit us.  It was as if a dark cloud had lifted from over our kitchen table, and the lively conversation we had this morning during current events was a joy.  We discussed what were the most concerning weapons of war right now, and contrasted it with trench warfare and other forms of fighting from the past.  The de-humanization of the enemy as long range missiles, drones, nuclear weapons and cyber attacks were/are developed was a stark contrast to the dreaded worksheets with multiple choice answers to be filled out alone while off in a corner.  Life has returned to our learning, and we need that more than anything as we struggle day to day with all the challenges we have on our plate.  I felt a wave of relief this morning, and I am 100% certain we made the right choice, regardless of what we are giving up or how much harder that will make other parts of our lives.  That certainty had been gradually slipping away, eroded by what I knew was just not working but wouldn't allow myself to see our way out of it.  I am forever indebted to Dominick...the one whose courage was really tested as he immediately figured out what we needed to do despite my financial worries over it.  

Maybe I just need a big ol' Brass Band to come knocking at my door to get me to see things clearly!  And as I look at the beautiful light filled photo Josh took with my camera this morning, I feel more at peace than I have in a very long time.  Somehow, we'll make it, day by day.   

Light and Love, that's what is's all about.

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Be True to Your School

I have been trying very, very hard to conform.  I have spent the past 6 months looking at curriculum that would fit what I knew our charter program would look at and consider appropriate for high school credit, which pretty much means a standard public school textbook.  I have tried and tried to make us fit the mold, only to discover what I should have known all along...

God broke the mold when making Team LaJoy.

Why did it take me so long to figure that out?  Why was I willing to so easily cave in to conformity?

I have spent an agonizing couple of weeks (Heck, more like a couple of months) trying to shape our school into what someone else would validate.  I have second guessed myself, and ultimately realized we had drifted way off course.

After another meeting on Monday, I came home with shoulders hunched, and a laundry list filled with "You can't do this anymore" or "That book isn't allowed." or "They can't get credit for that."  I haven't felt that defeated in a very long time.

I came home, and later in the evening we called a family meeting.  We asked the kids what they thought of school now, and down to the last one, they are all demoralized and, simply put, hating it.

Matthew said, "Mom, I thought we left public school because of this type of learning, and it feels like now we are doing public school at home.  I don't have time to read because I am filling out a bunch of worksheets with meaningless questions."

Angela said, "I can't remember anything we have studied the past 3 weeks.  It isn't sticking in my brain.  I don't know why, I used to remember lots of things when you taught differently.  I wonder how kids remember things at school with textbooks?"

Kenny said, "I miss all of us working and learning together.  We had great conversations and we talked about important things.  I like discussing things as a family and I learn more that way."

Olesya said, "I don't mind textbooks, but they are boring."

Joshua said, "I miss our old school.  It's going to be a very long year."

After listening to them all voice their dismay, Dominick spoke up and said, "I don't care about the money.  When I come home at the end of the day, the kids are all off in a corner, buried in paperwork.  There is no happy chatter, they don't tell me anything interesting that they have learned during the day like they used to.  You've tried everything, and I think that doing it the way the school wants means they are not going to learn much.  I don't care if I have to take a third job, the funding isn't worth it.  Pull 'em out."

And so, that is exactly what we are doing.

We are hitting the "Reset" button.

I did a lot of soul searching to get to this place.  We all get stuck doing things we don't want to do or don't care for, was it wrong to "give in" to the kids?  Shouldn't they be forced to do a textbook/workbook combo whether they like it or not?  The thing is, they never fought it.  Even though they realized they were going to get very little out of it, the completed worksheet after worksheet, and answered mindless question after mindless question without a single complaint, 9 or 10 hours a day.

Was I just wanting to take the easy way out myself?  Was I looking to have a lack of accountability so I could do things "my way" with no interference?  Could be, I am a "my way or the highway" kind of gal sometimes, I guess I'd be the first to admit that character flaw.  But this was definitely not the easy way out, this was proving harder and harder with each passing day.

Maybe I am just not good at teaching, particularly at a higher level.  Maybe I hit my own personal wall, and doubt assailed me as I thought about my capabilities.  Everyone who has looked at me askance as I answered their questions about our intent to homeschool through high school popped up in my mind.  I don't have anyone fooled, I am not a genius or, let's face it, not even college educated.  Have I tapped out what I can do?  Are folks right that I am harming the kids by attempting what seems to them to be the impossible...homeschooling high school without a college diploma myself?  This one I failed to have a comeback for.

Maybe I just have the wrong curriculum to work with,  perhaps a different set of materials would make a difference. Well, we tried three different science programs and struck out with all three.

The past six or eight weeks have been a process of gradually increasing doubt overtaking any confidence I might have built up in years prior.  Seeing the kids wade through hour after hour of what I would normally have called "busy work" and struggle to retain anything broke my heart little by little.  We've all worked so hard, we have sorted out so many issues, we have had some success, and here we are completely, utterly stuck.  Countless hours laying wide awake in bed, trying to ascertain exactly where I was going wrong led me to not a single helpful conclusion.

That was, until I listened to our kids, and listened to my own heart.

Then, I did something that really opened my eyes.  I went back to our homeschool's "founding document" and re-read it.  Four years in, and our belief in our initial goals have only strengthened.  There in the document I put together right after returning home from Kazakhstan with the girls,  I was reminded of what was important to us:

When our children reach maturity and graduated from high school, it is our goal that they would:

1)  Lead a God centered life.

2)  Exhibit good moral character in all circumstances.

3)  Have an understanding of themselves as part of a community, and not be solely centered on "self"

4)  Have a well developed intellectual curiosity and be self-directed, motivated learners.

5)  Have a base of strong, practical life skills to build upon.

*  We will always place family above anything else.

*  We will recognize that learning happens in both traditional and non-traditional settings.

*  We will remember that education is not a competition

*  We will respect each of our children for the unique and wonderful individuals that they are.

*  We will work to help our children discover their God given talents.

As I read back over this list and I compared it to where we are right now and what we are doing to please the school, I realized that we had clearly drifted waaaayyyy off course.  We were ready to give up volunteering to have time for more worksheets, which goes against #3 in a big way.  Being told how to think, what box to check, and catching myself actually saying, "Unless you go on to do XYZ you will likely never use this information again.  Just try and remember it long enough to take and pass the test".

I am embarrassed to admit I even said that.  And I complained about "teaching to the test" about public school, and here I was doing exactly the same thing at home.  Matthew had been right, I had  invited public school systems and styles right into our home and sat them down at our kitchen table.

How can a child grow into a "Self-directed, motivated learner" when they are being told every moment what they are to think, say and do, and how to parrot back answers so that the textbook manufacturer will be able to say, "See? It works."  Never mind the fact that such a shallow learning approach means kids may be able to accurately guess "true" or "false", but can they explain it in depth?  Can they infer anything else from it?  Can they shoot off from the main topic or compare and contrast it to something unrelated, yet similar?  When you tell a kid, "Give me back the answer I want to hear" they will do exactly that, without a lot of thought.  When you ask a kid, "Explain what this means, tell me where else you see this happening, what else might this change?, you are far closer to the path of real learning.

As I read item after item, and then re-read it, I shook my head in anger at myself.  How could I have led us down this path?  How did I let us get so very far off course?  Miserable kids, miserable teacher...when 6 months ago we were having a blast and learning SO much that kids were tumbling over one another in their excitement to answer questions, or share insights.  

How do you get so far off course?

By allowing things to be "off" by just one degree at a time.

Little by little, as our school changed to go charter and please the state officials, I changed too.  In anticipation of what I knew was coming with a combination of charter as well as entering the high school years, I didn't pay attention to my internal compass.  

I kept trying to fit us into what a new mold would look like, knowing the funding offered was, in large part, what was allowing us the great gift of having me home to educate the kids.  In doing so, I did something I rarely do, I became a slave to the almighty dollar.

It is hard not to, when your husband works from before sunup to after sundown at physically exhausting work. I am keenly aware of the effort Dominick puts in every single day to keep clothes on our backs and Walmart carts full of groceries.  I haven't brought in any income in four long years, and he has born the pressure of that.  How could I possible not do everything within my power to see to it that our school supplies and curriculum were covered?  It is easily $2500 or more each year for five kids.  I am sure some homeschool for less, but they are more likely to have kids scattered in age and lots of hand me down curriculum, where we have four that are grouped together relatively tightly and are all studying the same things at the same time, meaning multiple copies of the same texts.  The field trips the school funding covered were awesome, and frosting on the cake.  While we will miss that, it isn't an end all and be all for us.  But we can't do without the basic staple items.

And yet, how can we continue this way?  What is the point if our kids aren't learning?

Once again, we don't fit.  It was abundantly clear that high school...if we wanted any real learning to occur...would have to look and feel different.  As I began to accept that reality, I recalled a close friend who 3 years ago or so told me with a grin on her face, "You know you have totally ruined them.  They are having so much fun learning, and are doing so well, they will never be able to go back to a regular classroom and be satisfied."  At the time, neither of us realized how close to the truth she was.  And honestly, it isn't a bad thing. 

The materials I was being forced to use which were "traditional" were, to put it bluntly, boring as hell...awful, superficial.   As I pounded and pounded trying to get those square pegs in those round, textbooky holes, I internally asked myself, "How does anyone learn with this stuff?  Why can't they use real books? When do we get to the "good" questions that really make you think?" and then, "We'll spend so much time filling in worksheets, I'll never be able to throw in a real project of any sort."

As I listened to the kids and the defeat in their voices, as I listened to Dominick and his firm resolve, and as I listened to God whispering over and over, "This isn't going to work...this isn't going to work...but trust me and I'll take care of it, if only you'll trust me...I've never failed you when you've stepped out in faith.", I knew it was time to cut the public school cord altogether.

And I am really, really frightened.  I have no idea how we can afford the additional costs, I have no idea if I will do well without accountability, and I have no idea if I can turn this around and get back on course.  But I'm going to give it my best shot.

I spent the last 5 nights up until 2:00 am or later, researching things like independent testing services, homeschool tracking software (with 5 kids, a notebook just won't cut it), homeschool law in Colorado, and creative and interesting curriculum.  When I had asked the kids what they preferred for school, they all named a unique, critical thinking sort of curriculum we have used before, Connect the Thoughts.  Every one of the kids asked if we could go back to using some of that.  They all pointed at our study last year of Westward Expansion and how much they learned from the variety of approaches we took, none of them with a textbook.  Matthew even said later to me as we sat side by side working yesterday, "Mom, you know when you think about it, textbooks are pretty old school.  With films, the internet, and regular library books, you learn way more than what's in a textbook."  Then he asked me the question of the decade, "Why do schools think that a textbook is the best way to learn?  After all, our founding fathers were often self-educated with plain old books and experiences. Why is a textbook seen as the only way to learn? That just seems so dumb to me."

You know what?  It does to me as well.  That's not to say we don't use textbooks, but there is a difference in our approach.  We control the textbook, we don't let it control us. In fact, I suppose it is sort of like the college professor who will assign certain chapters from a textbook or certain questions to be answered from it, but you never use the entire book and it is expected that other resources are also going to be used.  And who says high school can't be as creative and interesting as the lower grades are?  Maybe it is standard education that has veered off course and has limited creative learning to a point that is deeply sad as they chase test results.

Or maybe Team LaJoy is just too weird.

I don't know, but as I got out of the shower this morning, despite having hours of data entry ahead of me creating our new school tracking system, I felt excited about teaching for the first time in months and months.  I already had an idea for a comparison poster I want the kids to research and create reflecting the differences between the Maya, Inca, Aztec, Olmec and Toltec civilizations.  Their textbook gave them 2 pages of information on all of them combined.  We need more.  My mind was moving ahead to trying to find study guides to go with the History Channel's America:  The Story of Us, which we are going to watch.  I thought about all the links I have saved in my emails to show the kids, interesting current event topics which we have pushed aside in our desire to keep up with repetitive, monotonous worksheets...links to clips or articles about everything from what mosquitoes do inside you to racial mapping of the US to a short clip where someone used a huge pile of jelly beans to illustrate just how few hours in a single lifetime a person has to pursue hobbies, dreams etc. because our days get filled with work, cleaning, and sleeping.  It was like a faucet was turned on, and suddenly I no longer felt trapped in how to teach!!

It moved into other areas, as the kids sparked up a bit after telling them we were seriously considering leaving the school program and striking out on our own.  As I looked around me this

evening and saw creativity and "intellectual curiosity" everywhere I turned, I couldn't help but be reassured we were making the right decision.  Matthew was curled up on the floor reading an adult non-fiction novel about "zoonoses"...viruses that are transmitted to humans from animals.  Olesya was making friendship bracelets from her birthday.  Kenny was building a boat out of Legos which was a replica of some pirate ship he had read about.  Joshua was acting out a scene from his imagination...all by himself as he usually does.  Angela was drawing a stunning cover on one of Kenny's notepads he has started carrying to help him remember things he forgets.

Other than financially, how can this be wrong?  We have kids who love, love, love learning, and who are begging us to provide them with something "meatier" than fill in the blank/ true or false questions.  They want to discuss and debate topics, they want to read challenging ideas, and they want to be who they are and met where they are at academically, which was really the whole point of homeschooling.  Out of necessity, they learn differently...not out of stupidity.  They are bright, articulate, and hard working.  They just need things explained more patiently, and in different ways.  They need visuals, they need to talk through, about and around something until they totally see it from all sides so they can create "hooks" for more learning.  They may need to show proof of learning in different ways, or be taught differently, but they are far from ignorant. 

And we need to be free to teach them in the ways best suited to their needs.  Really, I guess what I am saying despite it sounding corny is, we need to be true to our school,and that is exactly what we are going to do.

Too much is at stake to do otherwise.

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Giving Up...or Not

It's after midnight as I begin to write this post, and I just finished watching a "Bollywood" movie with Angela, as she introduced me to her passion.  Movies and all things from India have captivated her for a long while, and she asked me  to watch this specific subtitled film with her tonight about a boy with learning disabilities whose parents didn't understand him.

We lay there on the floor, atop the boys' mattresses that they drug downstairs for the evening, and as we watched the story unfold, we talked quietly together.

"Mom, is that what Matthew has?"

"No, he has Dysgraphia not Dyslexia, they are different but sort of similar.", and I then went on to explain the differences as I understand them.

We continued to watch, as parents grew angry and disappointed, eventually sending him off to boarding school hoping they would be able to "straighten him out".

"They make me mad!  They don't really care about him, and all they are doing is making it worse.  He'll just give up.", Angela declared.

"Sometimes it is really, really hard for a parent to figure out what is wrong with their child.  It's not as easy as you might think.  We stay awake late at night trying to think it through, we look for possible causes, but we are not trained professionals...and you won't be either.  Kids are complex, and learning disabilities can be super hard to diagnose.",  I responded.

"Yea, well good parents don't just send their kids away like they are broken and not worth loving.  That little boy has a gift for art, they don't appreciate it or even see it!"

"When you are a parent, you'll understand, but I hope you don't have to face dealing with such things.", I said.

"Mom, I already know I won't be like that.  You and Dad have already shown us how to be good parents.  You don't give up on us, and you've had some really, really hard things to figure out with all of us, but especially Kenny and Matthew...and Josh too!  What would happen to any of the boys if you had been like the mom in this movie?  All three of them have had confusing things wrong with them, and you didn't send them away.  You just kept looking until you got help or could find what was wrong."

"Well, I hope you'd hang in there too with your kids."

In the dark, she reached for my hand.

"You're the mom that never gives up, no matter what.  I'm so glad all of us have you and Dad.  You don't get mad at us, you don't tell us we are lazy because things are harder or our brains aren't the same.  You just keep trying.  We are all so lucky to have you guys, but seeing this I think I am even more glad for Kenny and Matthew.  They are both so smart, but others wouldn't think so because of their problems.  You wait and see, Mom.  When they grow up, they are going to be the best men and have good jobs.  Seeing this movie is important because it reminds me that a lot of parents are not like you and Dad, and we need to be thankful."

Through tears I replied, "Your Dad and I are thankful to be your parents.  We have five very special kids who have amazing talents and gifts to offer the world.  It's just going to take time to sort it all out."

As we all breathe deeply after our Not Very Good Week, this may have been a message I really needed to hear, and God sent it in my daughter's words.  "The Mom Who Never Gives Up" was throwing her hands up in despair this past week, feeling as if I had topped out my capacity for patience and ability to be split into too many parts to be effective.  Together, as a team, we are working toward solutions.  I am not in it alone, I have our dear Miss Mary coming on board again in a couple more weeks, which will relieve a little pressure a couple of mornings a week with literature, and the rest we will just figure out.

I have to stop once in a while and see it for what it is...we are doing our best with an inordinate amount stacked against us.  Often I blow it off when a seasoned pro from school shakes their head and says, "I don't know how you are doing it.", but as I thought it over the past couple of days I realized I need to really hear that, as it reinforces for me that we are outside the norm...way outside the norm...and my expectations have to be that this will never be what it is for other families...easier, four hours a day and done.

We're succeeding, and the kids are happy.  Kenny no longer walks around with shoulders hunched, literally hitting himself on the head and crying out, "Why am I so stupid!!"...and he can read.  Matthew is no longer in tears as he listens to what he wrote and tries so hard to convince me, "Mom, that is NOT what I wrote!  I DID edit my work, three different times!  I really don't know what is wrong!".  Olesya is gaining confidence in herself in all kinds of areas, and no longer looks at math as the "end all and be all" indicator of her intelligence. And Josh can dissect and work on higher level math until his heart is content, while his heart is protected and feels more secure because he is not afraid mom will disappear forever after dropping him off at school.

This past week was an easy one to not see the forest for the trees.

As we approach the week ahead, we will start anew, we will tweak a few things, we will inject a little laughter as we get up at 6:00 to start by 7:00, and we will just take it once step at time, figuring it out as we go along...just as we have up until now.  And I will remind myself of the bigger picture, as we struggle through ionic bonds, radioactive isotopes, and deoxyribonucleic acid.  As we struggle through it 6 or 8 times, I will remind myself that the mere thought that we could be attempting this is a miracle in itself and a testament to three kids' determination.  With a child who has been speaking English a mere three years, another who three years ago couldn't read at a first grade level and has a wide assortment of other serious issues, and another whose writing skills mean every essay answer...heck, every sentence answer...is a mess to be waded through, we are attempting to climb a metaphorical Mount Everest.

You know what?  I have every confidence we will reach the summit!

And when I lose that confidence, when things again prove difficult this coming week, I will recall this night, when my daughter held my hand in the dark and told me she knew how to be a mom because she learned from The Mom Who Never Gives Up, No Matter What.

And then, I won't give up.

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This is Going to be HARD

It is Wednesday evening, and everyone is in bed at 10:13 PM as I sit here amid little boxes of index cards with vocabulary words on them, a timeline for Inca and Maya civilizations, a three hole punch that had a workout today, and a humongous box of fishy crackers smack dab in the middle of the table.

Full time school has been in session for 3 days, and the kids and I are all so worn out. Homeschooling up until now has not exactly been a piece of cake, but this year is going to be a real test of stick-to-it-iveness and commitment.  This is going to be plain old hard.

We have been up and at it by 7:30 each morning, take an hour lunch, and by 6:30 we are barely finishing...and we still do not have all our subjects being worked on yet because something is just not working right.

Or maybe it is just that we are hitting a wall.

No, I have not lost enthusiasm, and the kids have never, NOT ONCE complained.  It is just requiring more one on one time with each child than ever, and at a higher level.  Truthfully, part of it is also because I am unwilling to do "shallow" learning, which we could do but is a total waste of time.  If we wanted to rush through everything to check the box that we took the class and managed to pass, then we would go back to the traditional classroom.  I want us to stop and think about what we just read, I want us to do depth and analyze and share.

Every one of the kids is working so hard, and in fact has all summer by not taking a real big break other than the 6 weeks or so we ended up being off around our Westward Expansion Field Trip.  Everyone but Matt is already 40 lessons into this years math!  But this is going to be flat out arduous, and I have no idea tonight how we are going to do it.

We are learning that being hindered by the inability to quickly read and comprehend things will be a tremendous hindrance at this level.  The kids all have the intellect and maturity to understand more complex topics, and when we talk things through, the 100 watt bulbs are clicking on all around the table.  But to get there we have to read together...every sentence in every chapter, then we have to stop after 2-3 sentences and discuss what the author is trying to say, what all the new words mean, and often I have to find ways to restate or illustrate the point.  Thankfully, Kenny is a master of coming up with comparisons and offering them.  For example, we were talking about osmosis in science and I was trying to explain about liquid passing through a membrane, and he quickly said, "It's like on the movie Under the Dome, where the guy put his hand on the dome where on the other side they were spraying water, and he pulled his hand away and it was wet.  That's osmosis, isn't it?" and everyone said, "Oh yea!  I remember that!".

I spent 2 1/2 hours correcting papers this afternoon while still trying to answer questions and work individually with writing issues.  I tried to explain yet again how to read a timeline to Olesya as we needed to read one for history.  I am more brain fried than I think I have ever been since the girls came home, and I know it is only going to get harder.

We had a family meeting this evening, and we talked about possible tweaks to our work and where we might save some time.  Team LaJoy blows me away, as they are so incredibly committed to getting a good education, and they work so hard.  They all suggested that we plan on starting school at 7:30 AM every morning, not just on volleyball days that are soon to come.  Angela said, "Well, we can always work on the weekends too, and we can get things done then." and not a single kid had an argument against that and in fact was in support of doing classes on the weekend if we need to.  As she said this, she was doing the dishes at the sink so I could finish up a couple of worksheets with the other kids.

I asked if they thought we should give up volunteering at the food bank for a while, and there was a resounding "No" to that one, and it surprised me to learn how much they valued that time, which can be pretty hard work in the warehouse with heavy lifting, high heat during the summer months and cold temps during the winter.  I had thought they might elect quickly to stop, but they were having none of it.

It is not that I have scheduled too much work to fit in, though Matt is pressed for time due to his desire to add in AutoCAD this year.  It is just slow going.  Super slow.  We talked openly and honestly about our differences, and why it takes us twice as long...literally...than other homeschooled kids their age who are done with all their work, high school or otherwise, in 4 hours or so.  We are a special needs homeschool, period, and it is not an easy task much of the time.

However, the rewards are so awesome...just the best.  Today, Angela and I squeezed in time to sit on the couch for about 40 minutes and we started reading Maya Angelou's "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings", which is about as lush and rich a read as anyone will ever find.  We spent 15 minutes working our way through the introduction, which is a splendid piece of writing but is not straightforward and is filled with personification and metaphor so skillfully crafted that any writer would drool over it.

Angela drooled.  We savored.  We must have said ten times, "Wow...she is SO good!"  And my daughter fell in love and can't wait to wade in the deep end, tackling a very challenging book with 3 years of English behind her.  This is a story that will impact her profoundly, already we can both see that.  It may take us 6 months of slowly working our way through it, stopping as we discuss all the nuances and subtleties, but by the time we reach the end, we will have made the journey together and traveled a great distance.  How can I not be willing when she looked up at me with the biggest grin and said, "And mom...Maya wrote THIRTY FOUR books, we could read them ALL!"

Strong, courageous girls need strong, courageous heroes to read about.

Olesya has typed every one of her science end of chapter responses, carefully making sure they are neat and transferring the info from her written notes because she said, "It's school, mom, it ought to be as perfect as I can make it."

Kenny sat at the table longer than anyone yesterday, never giving up, showing ever more responsibility as he works so hard on what would take the others half the time.

There is so much effort being put out, and always has been.  How we'll manage is anybody's guess.  One step in front of the other. Somehow, it'll figure itself out I suppose.

But tonight it just feels very, very hard.  It's worth it, of course, but it would be nice to sail along for a little while.  I think my mast feels broken.

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