Toddlers to Teens

It's 9:30 pm and I pull up in front of the house.  It's dark and damp out, and I'm returning from choir practice, having missed Olesya and Matthew's first volleyball game of the season.  Several hours ago, Dominick drove off with the van full, headed toward Grand Junction, while I spent the next couple of hours blissfully alone in the house before heading off to another night of singing and laughter with the Sweet Adelines chorus.

Walking through the front door, Dominick tells me the kids all just headed off to bed, but within moments they find their way down the hall and to the kitchen, where we spend the next hour rehashing the game (it was bad!), the singing (it was good!), and Matt's Civil Air Patrol meeting (it was ok!).  Voices tumbled over one another, as we gathered, teased, and talked.

It was one of those moments...the kind where you smile at your life and send a prayer up as you sit filled with incredible gratitude.  Dominick is leaning on the counter behind, watching...listening...grinning.  He looks at me and says, "Mom's home!" as they all continue to go on sharing about their adventures of the afternoon.  I hear Olesya's perspective as she tells me it was not her best game, but she was happy because even though they lost, they all played together well as a team, better than they have in practice.  Angela is giggling up a storm as she talks about how Dad was goofing around during the game and kept her laughing the whole time...so much so that she whacked her head on the wall behind her as she responded to one of his jokes.  Josh arrives on the scene, smelling Old Spice fresh, hair damp from his shower.  Matthew sits down and shows me his rug burn from the game, which was played on a carpeted surface.  I lean over and kiss it, look up at him, and that deep voice says, "Thanks Mom, now it's all better!" and we all find that hilarious.  Kenny starts laughing and can.not.stop. for some reason, and we all laugh because he is laughing.

There was nothing special about the hour we spent together, and yet there was everything special about it.  I am old enough, and wise enough, to know that these moments are missing from many families, and that the constant tension that fills the rooms of so many homes is more the norm than the scene before me.  There are families of teens who seldom speak to one another, doing nothing more than brushing shoulders as they pass one another in the hall on their way back to their bedrooms, where they live in isolation with technology and Facebook.  They emerge only to leave for school or activities, then cocoon again once they return, offering parents not much more than grunts or annoyed expressions at their attempts to engage their kids in conversation.

We are blessed, all of us.  Oh, we have days, just like everyone else, days where I complain about the dirty dishes that don't make it to the dishwasher, the brain death that seems to occur because of Teenage Syndrome, the four thousand six hundred and ninety one hairbands that I have to pick up that are magically migrating everywhere but to the bathroom.  There are days when we all need a break from one another, when school work is too challenging, when deficits are harder to work with, or when we just don't feel like doing anything that day.  We muscle through, we "kick bootie" as we like to say, we talk about the frustrations and we find solutions.  Basically, our motto is, "We Try".

We have conversations that are different, our experiences season our dialogue.  Genetics lessons are filled with references to the parents who are no longer parenting, and the questions of who we really are hang in the air above us, like empty cartoon speech balloons waiting for answers to fill them.  Frank discussions about Sex Ed are honest and direct, and as the days go on, they grow to contain the pain of abandonment, and contraception and abortion statistics take on new meaning.  We talk about mechanics and responsibilities, about choices and consequences.  They become more comfortable asking questions, and I become ever more grateful that these conversations are happening around our kitchen table rather than in a classroom, where morals are infused along with the information.  This isn't "The Talk", that happened long ago.  This is relationship training, this is reproduction explained in depth with visuals, this is conversation about sex that is not fear or guilt based, but is realistic, thorough, and is about so much more than naming body parts.  It is about recognizing choices that one day, not too far in the future, they will be making.  Much to the surprise of an outsider, I am sure, there is little blushing or discomfort, for this is little more than an extension of the work that has been going on since Day One.  Really, we are talking about Life...not Sex...and it is apparent to me as time goes on that they are all viewing it as that, which pleases me.

Years ago I had a specific hope for our family.  We had toddlers and preschoolers at the time, and I vividly recall hoping that as our kids grew older, we would somehow find a way to be close knit and that we wouldn't lose them to teen culture.  I hoped we would have Big Talks about Big Things, that our kids wouldn't automatically treat us with the usual disdain that arrives around 13 years old, and that we all would have a great appreciation for one another throughout our lives.  Our three older adoptees were a mere gleam in our eye at the time, when I had a conversation with someone that remains seared in my mind.  It went basically like this..."You're crazy, by about 10 your kids will push you away, and by 13 you are sort of done parenting.  You'll be lucky if they acknowledge your presence by the time they are 15, let alone have any meaningful conversations.  It'll never happen."  Wow, talk about a depressing forecast for our future!

And yet I knew how true that was in so many homes. I yearned for more for all of us.

Somehow, we pulled it off.  Some have said it is at great sacrifice, I vehemently do not see it that way.  It is at great gain!  Sure, we have had to give up a few things, but they are nothing of value.  Yes, we are probably stressed over money a lot, but who isn't?  If I were out working and bringing home a paycheck, I doubt that our financial concerns would change, it would just be over different things.

I get to be greeted warmly by our teenage children!  I get to spend my days with the most interesting people ever, engaged in the most interesting conversations I could ever wish for as we wrestle with Syria and the dehumanization of "the other" so that killing is easier, compare and contrast war with individual relationships,  and talk about how the cycle of poverty might be broken and why it is so difficult.  We read Maya Angelou together, we talk about the Green Lantern and his Super Powers, we dissect things both literally and figuratively.  We create, we write, we grow.  Most importantly, we stay deeply connected, and we imagine our futures.

Sometimes I wonder, do most parents walk through their life recognizing how fortunate they are?  Do they spend as much time in overwhelming gratitude for the kids that bless their lives?  Does a smile spring to their lips when their children cross their minds?  Do they often exchange looks with their spouse over the tops of their kids's heads as they listen to their excited talk about friends, sports, or comic book characters?  I do know we might be totally weird.  I recognize that being childless for the first 13 years of our marriage may make a tremendous difference in how we approach family life.  I do see how our kids may view family differently based upon their own prior lives.  But I hope, with all my heart, that most parents feel this way.  I hope, with all my heart, that there is as much joy in many families of teens as there is in families of toddlers.

Kenny summed it up somewhat humorously for me today as we drove home from yet another orthodontist appointment.  He was evidently feeling introspective this morning as out of the blue he said, "Mom, thank you for the dentist and my braces.  I was just thinking that most kids probably don't even think about saying thanks to their parents for something so expensive."  I said he was very welcome, and he grew quiet again for a moment, then said, "You know, Mom, we are all so lucky to have each other.  The circle of life is so cool, someday you and Dad might need help with your teeth, and maybe I'll be able to help with that.  That may sound silly, but I am glad our family is something we can all count on so we all have what we need.  But mostly, I am glad I am in a family where I can just be happy and we have fun."

So, as I contemplate with great gratitude that one day my son will eagerly purchase my dentures, I will rest easy, knowing I am loved!  

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Soft and Silent Sunday

It is Sunday afternoon, and we are taking a day of rest, or at least a partial day of rest.  We attended church this morning, and the kids asked to spend the rest of the day working on school work so they could start the week caught up.  Volleyball season is taking 3 full afternoons a week from us, then we still volunteer on Monday mornings at the Food Bank, as well as this week we will be there Tuesday afternoon for our monthly help as they unload their big order.

The kids have been working SO, SO hard, and Dominick and I are very proud of how they have quietly stepped up to the plate.  We knew volleyball would require extra efforts, so we made a pledge during the season to try and get to the table by 7:30 am each morning to begin work.  They've done so every single day, without complaint, and are tackling a lot of subjects each week.  We usually do school far more hours than many do who homeschool, but our situation is a little different as well.  We are normally at school 8-9 hours a day...this is our job, and we take it seriously.  I have noticed that, over time, the kids' attention span has definitely increased, and they are usually the ones asking to do "...just a couple more pages, then we are at the end of the chapter."

We had good news this week, but it will make the next couple of months even more hectic.  Under normal circumstances, we would nix the idea as it is just too much, but it is just until the end of October, then we can let life get back to normal.  We have all been bummed to learn that our TaeKwonDo instructor retired.  He was a really firm, kind, wonderful teacher and we had four kids left to obtain their black belts, all of whom were one step away except Olesya, who was just two steps away.  We looked at alternatives so they kids could finish up, but they were too far away or too expensive.  We got a call from our local Rec Center that they found an instructor and wanted to know if we were interested.  I have to call them back first thing tomorrow, but everyone is thrilled to have their chance to complete the long road to black belt that they have all worked so hard for.  It is going to mean being gone every week night, which certainly doesn't thrill any of us, but it is the accomplishment of a goal that is well worthwhile, so we all decided that short term, it will eb worth it.

Taking the time this weekend to rest and catch up is just what we needed.  The house is very quiet as everyone studies or works on projects.  I decided this afternoon I was taking the rest of the day off...no laundry, no cookin', nuthin'!  It feels good to let go of everything for a few hours before the new week arrives.

I hope everyone else had a little rest this weekend, too!  Sorry I have nothing more interesting to write about!

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A Labor Day with a Little Labor, a Little Fun!

Labor Day weekend has passed, and it included some labor as well as some fun!  We spent the weekend with a fair amount of relaxing, including having friends over for dinner a couple of times, playing card games, watching movies, and having late night conversations.  Dominick had to work early mornings, and we all worked yesterday afternoon and evening at the airport restaurant, where we served folks leaving the Telluride Film Festival.

We had a little surprise yesterday morning, when we drove to Grand Junction to watch Dominick use his birthday gift from February...a 30 minute trip around the Go Kart race track!  The kids and I pitched in together to buy him a gift certificate, as we thought he would get a huge kick out of it.  What we didn't know was his reason for delaying going up to redeem his certificate, and that was that he was trying to save enough money for ALL of us to be able to race together!  As we arrived and went inside, he surprised us all by giving up his 30 minutes, and contributing extra so that all of us could race for 10 minutes.  We tried to talk him out of it, but he said, "No way, we're all going to have fun!".  For the kids, this was their first real experience driving anything that was not on a contained track, and they were ecstatic.  Here's a peek at the preparations, though I have no pics of us on the track since we were all in our little cars:

We are hitting the age with the kids when many folks are now starting to make comments about when they start driving, dating, etc.  Angela is 15 1/2, and eligible for a permit if age were our only criteria.  Suffice it to say, none of our kids will be driving at 16.  It isn't just about the money, though of course for us that is a huge concern.  My years as an insurance agent were enough to show me that 16 is too young to be a responsible, careful driver for most kids, and Dominick and I said our kids wouldn't drive at 16 many years ago.    Most would probably not believe it, but we have don't have an ounce of push back from the kids about that.  We have had a couple of long conversations with all the kids, and explained our reasons why we want them to wait, and backed it up with current accident statistics.  I showed them this chart:

Also, I think many adults with kids who are grown and gone are unaware of the national trend toward driving at later ages.  I have been keeping abreast of this, for obvious reasons, and I am sure much of it has to do with the economic downturn and that there are fewer entry level jobs available to youth to begin to save for a car, gas, insurance, etc.  I thought I'd share this here as it might be a surprise to many to see the dramatic shifts in teen driving.  In the early-mid 80's when Dominick and I were in our teens, by 17 EVERYONE seemed to have a driver's license, and indeed it appears that 70% had one...and a car...and the attendant costs.  When you look at 2010, less than 45% of teens have a license at 17 years old, and in fact it isn't until you reach the 20-24 year olds that you see the % of younger drivers reaching that 70% mark.  Surprising, isn't it? :

The kids are also wise enough, and seasoned enough travelers to understand that where we live means far different driving conditions than some kids have...say like I did in Southern California.  We have explained to them that we will talk about a permit at 17, and then we want them to have enough all weather hours behind the wheel that we feel confident in their skill level before we turn them lose on winter mountain roads.  With 4 kids who are all a year and four months apart, it will take us awhile to accumulate enough driving time for each of the kids to get a lot of practice!  It's not like having them spread 2 years apart, that's for sure.  

So driving on a contained track in little go karts, even if only for 10 minutes, was a real treat and we all enjoyed it!  Dominick, of course, came in first by a long shot, while Matthew wasn't far behind.  I spun out twice, and then waited to assist Olesya and Josh at different times, both of whom ended up spinning out with lots of giggle, so I ended up at the end of the pack.  

After our special surprise, it was off to Kmart to find some clothes for Angela and Kenny, both of whom we have a hard time finding appropriate things for.  With their Labor Day 65% off sale, we were able to make quite a haul and outfit them with a few new things each.  The kids all decided we ought to make this our annual Labor Day ritual...driving on the track and Kmart shopping.  Yea, it takes very little to get us excited...the thrill of the chase, both on the track and in the shops!

We rushed back to town to be to work at 3:30 PM, where we all worked for a few hours before hitting the hay early.  We are starting our school days at 7:30 AM, which means an early wake up for all of us at around 6:15 AM.  I am glad we have managed to be disciplined about that, because I am the WORST about getting up early!

In between the labor and the fun this weekend, I had a late night conversation with Angela which was so sweet.  Among other things we talked about, she wanted to reassure me that what I did every day teaching them mattered.  She said she knew I was doing something very different from many moms, and that I might feel at times like my "job" was not important.  She said to me, "Mom, what you are doing is as important as a college professor.  I have thought a lot about this, and if we end up not learning what we need to learn, it effects our own kids, and their kids, and their kids.  It also means we don't do good on jobs or anything else, so everyone we work with is effected as well.  I think what you are doing is super important, and you do it really well.  I was thinking the other day that I never thought I would learn English so fast, or so many other things.  When I came home, I was actually dumb.  I was a bad student in school, I didn't know many things for my age, and I think I have learned more in 3 years here with you than I learned in my whole life until then.  Most important, if I had not been at home with you, I wouldn't have understood God. The past 6 months or so I think I totally get what you have tried to teach us about how following God makes it all just work better.  Before, I didn't really get it.  But you keep explaining things to me, showing where God is in it, and where God is in me.  I never would have learned that in a regular school.  In fact, I probably would have made fun of it."  then she added, "You are probably the best teacher I will ever have, even though I know I will have other good teachers.  You work so hard to make sure we get a good education.  I hope you know we all are very lucky to have you, and I want to thank you for all you went through the past few months trying to make sure things were best for us.  It was very hard for you, and it feels so much better now.  I am glad you and Dad made the decision, and I know you must be a little scared.   But we all will pull together, and we will have all the things we need to learn.  We will share our money so we all get our books or paper.  We are a Team, remember?  We are Team LaJoy, and it is the best team we will ever be on."

Wow.  That conversation alone made every sleepless night worthwhile.  It was a strong reminder that none of us are in this alone, and that one way or another, we will make it.  We are a team, and like the Marines, no man gets left behind.  Dad doesn't get left alone at work if he needs help, Mom doesn't get left hanging with house work, kids have all the help they need with Mom and Dad side by side encouraging them and believing in them.  As I worried about taking away a sense of "belonging" if we let the school, I forgot one little thing...we all already belong to each other.  We work together, we play together, we pray and laugh together. A little labor and a little fun makes for a wonderful life!

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