I am awake quite early this morning, as I have been the past couple of mornings as asthma awakens me once again. Obviously, it is time to get on some maintenance medications for awhile. Being a late nighter naturally, that means I have been getting about 4 hours of sleep a night this week, so I am hoping that on this Saturday morning I can eventually drift back into a deep slumber,even m if only for another hour or two. As much as I treasure and miss sleep, these early morning awakenings allow for quite time of reflection which I don't often get these days, so it is not without some benefit.
Josh is sleeping next to me, as he had another night where he felt the need for closeness as insecurity enveloped him. This precious, beautiful boy of ours is sometimes such an enigma. Watching him as he sleeps, which I love doing, he is the most angelic creature God may have ever created. Seriously. There is something so tender about him, so open, and it is revealed in his visage as he deeply slumbers. I find it so interesting that all of his siblings see something just a little different in Josh as well, as they treat him with an almost paternal and maternal care. As we are at school each day, and Josh will say or do something that is beyond his years...as he often does...inevitably one or all will look at me across the table with a look mirroring parental pride in his accomplishments. They are all protective of him, nurturing of him, as they sense a vulnerability in Joshua that comes alongside incredible strength in a child his age. This remarkable combination of traits is inexplicable, and yet do seem to co-exist inside the heart of one young boy whom we are all blessed to call brother and son.
A sharp reminder of how quickly time passes invaded our lives this week, as my thoughts drift from my youngest to my oldest...well...symbolically and group acknowledged as oldest. With Matthew in 7th grade, high school is not all that far off and academic planning for his eventual path must begin. Yes, it is early, and we are vowing not to be like others and live so far in the future that we can not live in the present, but there are a couple of subjects I need to wrap my mind around how we will handle as homeschoolers, and begin to look for textbooks and materials as they arrive in our school's lending library so that we can nab them for future use and save funding for other needs. By thinking ahead a little I can be on the lookout for curriculum that might work well for advanced science and math, as I try to find ways to present creative and rick learning experiences for all the kids.
I laid the chart out on the table yesterday morning, the one which outlines the credits required for graduation, and contrasts it with the credits required for college. All five of our children hovered around me in a tight circle as I shared with them the details of this document, then leaned back and said "I know that not all of you may decide to attend college, as there are many different paths to a career, but we will not be shooting for fulfilling graduation requirements. We'll go for college entrance requirements just in case you elect to eventually enroll in college, that way our bases are covered." Then I asked as an aside "How many of you think right now you will be going to college?", being realistic that there are a couple that are not as engaged by academics or might find trade or technical school to be more desirable.
Every hand shot up, instantly.
Internally I raised an eyebrow, and was secretly quite pleased. Olesya was one I figured would have no interest in higher learning, and Kenny I thought might feel it would be beyond reach. Both looked as confident in this very early census of future plans as the other three were. There are moments, not often, when I give myself a pat on the back. This was one of them, as it signaled we have achieved something here at home that I doubt would have happened in any other learning environment. Two children who previously saw themselves as "losers" and incapable now see themselves in a totally different light, and have somehow internalized that they can achieve anything they want to achieve, even if it will be a little more challenging at times.
Whether all the kids will indeed attend college or not remains to be seen, as they may eventually discover careers which don't require it, or that point them in the direction of on the job training, military, apprenticeship, or trade school. What we are trying to instill in them is NOT that college is the "end all and be all", but that they must have some sort of training beyond a high school diploma, that having an attitude of lifelong learning will serve them well, and we want them to recognize that they can teach themselves or learn anything at all that they desire to learn.
We are also talking early in order to create an ongoing sense of "Team" in the pursuit of higher education, as we recognize the need to work together...not just as parent and child but as an entire, cohesive family...to help them achieve their individual goals. We will not have the luxury of merely packing them off and loading them into a dorm room at some distant university. We already know we will have to be highly creative in finding ways to lower the cost, and will likely be a little nontraditional in our approach as we plan to utilize a combination of studying for CLEP tests to gain credits at low cost, online learning at community colleges, and attendance on campus when we have exhausted every other way to keep costs down. It was funny how Angela looked at me with her ever-the-adult look and said "Mom, we will all have to study together and pass as many tests as we can...that makes it almost free for a lot of classes! If we do it together, we can help each other AND save money!"
All this talk of futures, college, and high school has me a little melancholy. It hasn't been quite 2 years yet that the girls have been home, and Kenny has not yet been with us even 5 years. Although I don't often give in to it, the feelings of loss lately have been creeping to the surface. Watching Joshie sleep next to me, I feel totally ripped off as I think of all the time we missed with our three children adopted at older ages. I seldom have the privilege of watching over our older children as they sleep. We never got to stand over their cribs, seeing their tiny little bodies curled up and pinch ourselves as we gazed down in wonder at the single most beautiful thing God ever created. Watching a tiny little guy at the pool yesterday as he toddled along, I suddenly felt this extreme sense of grief over not having held Kenny, Angela and Olesya when they were little...never having had the chance to rock them to sleep or see a toothless, gummy, drooly grin. It's not an easy thing as a parent to wrestle with. Here we are, looking at celebrating our 2nd anniversary together as a complete family and already we have to look at the future as we plan a middle and high school path! It's NOT fair, and sometimes acknowledging that very real loss is necessary, and an important part of the adoption process. Thankfully, it doesn't stay with me long, but there are moments when it is overwhelming, and fills me with deep sadness.
When it is harder is when I catch one of them feeling it, when Olesya was half-joking the other night about not being a baby with me and wishing she could have been, when Kenny quietly told me in the car Thursday on the way to speech that he sometimes was jealous of Matthew and Joshua for having all sorts of memories with us when they were young, and that he wondered why God hadn't put him in our family when he was younger so that he could have maybe avoided some of the struggles with his brain that he now has to face every single day. It is Angela who sometimes seems to quietly long for an earlier childhood with us the most, as she doesn't speak much directly about it but fiercely claims us as her family and tells me every once in awhile how she wonders why her first mom was such a bad one and probably never loved her at all. She, of all the kids, clings to family so completely, guarding against growing up too soon and valuing every game and movie night we have together, every tradition we share as if it were completely precious.
We all lost, and we all gained. It is what it is. I am OK with it, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt sometimes. Every parent goes through the "I can't believe how quickly time is passing." stage, for us, it is compressed more than for others. Thankfully, the here and now is so sweet, so wonderful, that we are squeezing it for all it's worth and consider ourselves incredibly blessed that our blending as a family wasn't a rockier road, allowing us to quickly move into family mode than others are able to do. We know what a gift that is.
It is back to sleep for me, hopefully, as I take advantage of a houseful of sleeping kiddos and try and catch a few more "zzzzzzz's". Time for reflection is over, for now. A little wallowing is enough :-)
Josh is sleeping next to me, as he had another night where he felt the need for closeness as insecurity enveloped him. This precious, beautiful boy of ours is sometimes such an enigma. Watching him as he sleeps, which I love doing, he is the most angelic creature God may have ever created. Seriously. There is something so tender about him, so open, and it is revealed in his visage as he deeply slumbers. I find it so interesting that all of his siblings see something just a little different in Josh as well, as they treat him with an almost paternal and maternal care. As we are at school each day, and Josh will say or do something that is beyond his years...as he often does...inevitably one or all will look at me across the table with a look mirroring parental pride in his accomplishments. They are all protective of him, nurturing of him, as they sense a vulnerability in Joshua that comes alongside incredible strength in a child his age. This remarkable combination of traits is inexplicable, and yet do seem to co-exist inside the heart of one young boy whom we are all blessed to call brother and son.
A sharp reminder of how quickly time passes invaded our lives this week, as my thoughts drift from my youngest to my oldest...well...symbolically and group acknowledged as oldest. With Matthew in 7th grade, high school is not all that far off and academic planning for his eventual path must begin. Yes, it is early, and we are vowing not to be like others and live so far in the future that we can not live in the present, but there are a couple of subjects I need to wrap my mind around how we will handle as homeschoolers, and begin to look for textbooks and materials as they arrive in our school's lending library so that we can nab them for future use and save funding for other needs. By thinking ahead a little I can be on the lookout for curriculum that might work well for advanced science and math, as I try to find ways to present creative and rick learning experiences for all the kids.
I laid the chart out on the table yesterday morning, the one which outlines the credits required for graduation, and contrasts it with the credits required for college. All five of our children hovered around me in a tight circle as I shared with them the details of this document, then leaned back and said "I know that not all of you may decide to attend college, as there are many different paths to a career, but we will not be shooting for fulfilling graduation requirements. We'll go for college entrance requirements just in case you elect to eventually enroll in college, that way our bases are covered." Then I asked as an aside "How many of you think right now you will be going to college?", being realistic that there are a couple that are not as engaged by academics or might find trade or technical school to be more desirable.
Every hand shot up, instantly.
Internally I raised an eyebrow, and was secretly quite pleased. Olesya was one I figured would have no interest in higher learning, and Kenny I thought might feel it would be beyond reach. Both looked as confident in this very early census of future plans as the other three were. There are moments, not often, when I give myself a pat on the back. This was one of them, as it signaled we have achieved something here at home that I doubt would have happened in any other learning environment. Two children who previously saw themselves as "losers" and incapable now see themselves in a totally different light, and have somehow internalized that they can achieve anything they want to achieve, even if it will be a little more challenging at times.
Whether all the kids will indeed attend college or not remains to be seen, as they may eventually discover careers which don't require it, or that point them in the direction of on the job training, military, apprenticeship, or trade school. What we are trying to instill in them is NOT that college is the "end all and be all", but that they must have some sort of training beyond a high school diploma, that having an attitude of lifelong learning will serve them well, and we want them to recognize that they can teach themselves or learn anything at all that they desire to learn.
We are also talking early in order to create an ongoing sense of "Team" in the pursuit of higher education, as we recognize the need to work together...not just as parent and child but as an entire, cohesive family...to help them achieve their individual goals. We will not have the luxury of merely packing them off and loading them into a dorm room at some distant university. We already know we will have to be highly creative in finding ways to lower the cost, and will likely be a little nontraditional in our approach as we plan to utilize a combination of studying for CLEP tests to gain credits at low cost, online learning at community colleges, and attendance on campus when we have exhausted every other way to keep costs down. It was funny how Angela looked at me with her ever-the-adult look and said "Mom, we will all have to study together and pass as many tests as we can...that makes it almost free for a lot of classes! If we do it together, we can help each other AND save money!"
All this talk of futures, college, and high school has me a little melancholy. It hasn't been quite 2 years yet that the girls have been home, and Kenny has not yet been with us even 5 years. Although I don't often give in to it, the feelings of loss lately have been creeping to the surface. Watching Joshie sleep next to me, I feel totally ripped off as I think of all the time we missed with our three children adopted at older ages. I seldom have the privilege of watching over our older children as they sleep. We never got to stand over their cribs, seeing their tiny little bodies curled up and pinch ourselves as we gazed down in wonder at the single most beautiful thing God ever created. Watching a tiny little guy at the pool yesterday as he toddled along, I suddenly felt this extreme sense of grief over not having held Kenny, Angela and Olesya when they were little...never having had the chance to rock them to sleep or see a toothless, gummy, drooly grin. It's not an easy thing as a parent to wrestle with. Here we are, looking at celebrating our 2nd anniversary together as a complete family and already we have to look at the future as we plan a middle and high school path! It's NOT fair, and sometimes acknowledging that very real loss is necessary, and an important part of the adoption process. Thankfully, it doesn't stay with me long, but there are moments when it is overwhelming, and fills me with deep sadness.
When it is harder is when I catch one of them feeling it, when Olesya was half-joking the other night about not being a baby with me and wishing she could have been, when Kenny quietly told me in the car Thursday on the way to speech that he sometimes was jealous of Matthew and Joshua for having all sorts of memories with us when they were young, and that he wondered why God hadn't put him in our family when he was younger so that he could have maybe avoided some of the struggles with his brain that he now has to face every single day. It is Angela who sometimes seems to quietly long for an earlier childhood with us the most, as she doesn't speak much directly about it but fiercely claims us as her family and tells me every once in awhile how she wonders why her first mom was such a bad one and probably never loved her at all. She, of all the kids, clings to family so completely, guarding against growing up too soon and valuing every game and movie night we have together, every tradition we share as if it were completely precious.
We all lost, and we all gained. It is what it is. I am OK with it, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt sometimes. Every parent goes through the "I can't believe how quickly time is passing." stage, for us, it is compressed more than for others. Thankfully, the here and now is so sweet, so wonderful, that we are squeezing it for all it's worth and consider ourselves incredibly blessed that our blending as a family wasn't a rockier road, allowing us to quickly move into family mode than others are able to do. We know what a gift that is.
It is back to sleep for me, hopefully, as I take advantage of a houseful of sleeping kiddos and try and catch a few more "zzzzzzz's". Time for reflection is over, for now. A little wallowing is enough :-)
0 comments:
Post a Comment