It's been a long day...heck, it's been a long couple of weeks...and today's news was surprising and not what we had hoped for. Dominick and I are both processing this, and are very concerned but trying to remind ourselves Who is in control and that in the long run, this is but another bump in the road. I guess it is a bump I was emotionally ill prepared for today, probably because I am just so exhausted.
Matt's appointment went well, and we did get answers, but they were very different from what we anticipated. I was there with all 5 kids, and the other 4 waited in the waiting area. I told them to expect about 30 minutes. Two hours later we finally emerged. What a blessing it is to have kids who allowed me piece of mind by knowing that I didn't need to worry about them or their behavior when out there alone for that long. When we came out, there all four sat patiently, books in hand quietly reading and not disturbing a sole.
We expected a quick re-check, sharing that Matt was still having some pain, and getting a prescription for new orthotics. We departed with a diagnosis of a serious back condition that is likely to need surgery because it is advanced beyond the norm. Matthew's leg pain is being caused in part by a condition called spondylolysis and spondylolosthesis. What has happened is that one of his lower lumbar vertebra was either weakened due to congenital issues or trauma...but it is/was fractured. This causes it to shift out of place and compress nerves, causing pain and other issues.
It was only caught because of a last minute question asked by the MD after being unable to figure out what was structural causing what Matt was describing, and my prompting of Matthew yesterday to share everything led to him making a one sentence statement about pain shifting and sometimes being in his buttocks that made her suggest getting a back x-ray, just to rule anything out. One minute after seeing the x-ray and it was clear even to my untrained eye that something was definitely wrong.
Normally, this condition can heal itself when caught early. It is not totally uncommon in young kids this age, and that often after a period of profound growth like Matt has had this year the condition can become more noticeable. Usually rest for 4-6 months from physical activities can allow time for the bone to heal on its own, and we are indeed going to try that at the MD's suggestion. Matthew will be wearing some sort of mild back brace for that time. However, as she first started talking to me she immediately jumped to surgical intervention in her explanation, because the shifting is quite pronounced. While she said "Sometimes with rest we find these can heal" she also went on to say she was immediately ordering a CT scan as well as an MRI because she was concerned about the degree to which this had shifted, and in talking with me discovered that Matthew has walked like this (a little sway backed) since toddlerhood. His long history of foot and hip pain means it is likely he has lived with this since a very young age. She also said that malnutrition most likely definitely contributed to it, as this is an area where bone can be thin anyway, and his lack of decent nutrition in his first year and perhaps in-utero certainly didn't help.
So really, it is three different problems in one. He definitely needs orthotic intervention for his feet, and then these two conditions together which affect his back and nerves to lower extremities. We will be getting the MRI and CT scan done next Tuesday in Grand Junction, and will make appointments for the same specialist for the orthotics and the back support, then we will hear from the MD when she gets the results. She scheduled us for a follow up in 4 months, but said that is dependent upon what she finds with the scans. If she doesn't like what she sees, she said she will schedule us to return immediately to look at surgical options. If everything looks stable, then we see what things look like in 4 months and hope for the best. Untreated and at his current state of shifting, this can lead to really serious problems. If he has to have surgery, we were told it would actually be two surgeries...one to wire things together, and another later to remove hardware.
While standing there I just felt so overwhelmed. Coming off an already emotional week, being in overdrive myself at the moment, coming off 3 hours sleep the night before, it felt like just too much to take in. Then I thought about other families who deal with SO much more...Shannon and her family with little Marissa's 30+ surgeries, families with children whose emotional needs effect every moment of every day, families whose adopted children are so emotionally damaged that they will never ever bond with them and will grow ever more violent with each passing day. How DARE I think that THIS is overwhelming?? It just caught me off guard and ill prepared, thinking you are going in for shoe inserts and discovering your son has potentially crippling spinal issues that have gone undiagnosed far too long is quite another.
But I couldn't help but think on the long drive home about what this might mean for Matt's future, for his dreams. Would this automatically preclude him from entering the Air Force should he decide to go that route? Would he heal well if he indeed needed surgery, or would it be like with adults where most are never really the same afterward? Looking back over the past 11 years, was there anything we missed...should we have pressed harder with the orthopedic issues that have plagued him for at least 6 years? Even this time around it almost wasn't caught. Why didn't I suspect it was something more? He has always walked stiff backed and less loosely than others, but we just thought that was Matthew, not a problem.
Ahhh...this one I will probably struggle with for awhile. As Dominick and I talked about this evening, with Kenny we expected all that has happened. It doesn't make it easier, but we knew what was ahead. This was a complete surprise, and was perhaps preventable...if we had adopted him a few months sooner, if there had been better nutrition at a young age (being taken off formula at 4 months old and having tea in a bottle was certainly not helpful), who knows? Was there a genetic component? Did Matt experience some sort of traumatic event in the orphanage that caused a fracture? Was it a combination?
And the bigger question, will he have to go through surgery or will, by some miracle, this begin to heal on its own? The MD was quite skeptical but wanted to allow for the possibility, of course not wanting to jump too quickly to surgical intervention.
Where is the good in this? Where is God on days like this when I want to throw my hands up in the air and say "Why are you throwing us another loop??? This is too hard!". Thankfully, blessedly, God's presence is felt even on days like this when my own exhaustion magnifies everything.
Let's find God tonight, because I need to:
In the span of just a few short days Dominick and I could have found ourselves under mounting debt with a quick hit of $10,000 owed in medical bills for the boys with our insurance deductible needing to be paid, but God has taken care of that for us with wonderful hospitals and terrific physicians and coverage for bills that we would be at the bank tomorrow taking out a loan to cover. Tonight though, we are not filling out loan applications nor worrying about their care over the coming years.
Kenny feels he is handsome. Finally.
Matthew's back is not broken. Well, technically due to the fracture I guess it is, but he is not paralyzed, nor bound for a wheelchair for the rest of his life.
Three kids are physically healthy.
Five kids are emotionally healthy.
Monday evening while playing in the park, I was sitting and visiting with friends on a bench in the twilight when one of them turns to me and says "You can sure see that your children love their Mom a whole lot, and they are so kind!".
Dominick's business is still afloat, despite how hard a year it has been. Food was on the table tonight, even if it was a quickie of french toast sticks and grapes.
We didn't have a flat tire on the way home.
There are friends who continue to love us, nurture us and support us, even when it is hard, even when they must get sick of spending free time helping us out. Phone calls checking up on us while still driving through No Man's Land (Thanks Jill!), emails, hugs...what a precious gift each one is.
Oh, I needed that! God IS all around, God is in the laughter in the next room, in the crickets chirping outside, in Sunny curled up on the couch, in my warm bed waiting for me.
Tomorrow will be recuperation day. No place to go, no reason to get up early, nothing we have to do. All worries I think I am going to put in God's hip pocket for the evening. It can all be handed back over to me tomorrow if I decide I really need to carry it all.
And maybe, if I am indeed growing in wisdom and maturity, I will leave those worries right there in God's pocket where they really belong.
Matt's appointment went well, and we did get answers, but they were very different from what we anticipated. I was there with all 5 kids, and the other 4 waited in the waiting area. I told them to expect about 30 minutes. Two hours later we finally emerged. What a blessing it is to have kids who allowed me piece of mind by knowing that I didn't need to worry about them or their behavior when out there alone for that long. When we came out, there all four sat patiently, books in hand quietly reading and not disturbing a sole.
It was only caught because of a last minute question asked by the MD after being unable to figure out what was structural causing what Matt was describing, and my prompting of Matthew yesterday to share everything led to him making a one sentence statement about pain shifting and sometimes being in his buttocks that made her suggest getting a back x-ray, just to rule anything out. One minute after seeing the x-ray and it was clear even to my untrained eye that something was definitely wrong.
Normally, this condition can heal itself when caught early. It is not totally uncommon in young kids this age, and that often after a period of profound growth like Matt has had this year the condition can become more noticeable. Usually rest for 4-6 months from physical activities can allow time for the bone to heal on its own, and we are indeed going to try that at the MD's suggestion. Matthew will be wearing some sort of mild back brace for that time. However, as she first started talking to me she immediately jumped to surgical intervention in her explanation, because the shifting is quite pronounced. While she said "Sometimes with rest we find these can heal" she also went on to say she was immediately ordering a CT scan as well as an MRI because she was concerned about the degree to which this had shifted, and in talking with me discovered that Matthew has walked like this (a little sway backed) since toddlerhood. His long history of foot and hip pain means it is likely he has lived with this since a very young age. She also said that malnutrition most likely definitely contributed to it, as this is an area where bone can be thin anyway, and his lack of decent nutrition in his first year and perhaps in-utero certainly didn't help.
So really, it is three different problems in one. He definitely needs orthotic intervention for his feet, and then these two conditions together which affect his back and nerves to lower extremities. We will be getting the MRI and CT scan done next Tuesday in Grand Junction, and will make appointments for the same specialist for the orthotics and the back support, then we will hear from the MD when she gets the results. She scheduled us for a follow up in 4 months, but said that is dependent upon what she finds with the scans. If she doesn't like what she sees, she said she will schedule us to return immediately to look at surgical options. If everything looks stable, then we see what things look like in 4 months and hope for the best. Untreated and at his current state of shifting, this can lead to really serious problems. If he has to have surgery, we were told it would actually be two surgeries...one to wire things together, and another later to remove hardware.
But I couldn't help but think on the long drive home about what this might mean for Matt's future, for his dreams. Would this automatically preclude him from entering the Air Force should he decide to go that route? Would he heal well if he indeed needed surgery, or would it be like with adults where most are never really the same afterward? Looking back over the past 11 years, was there anything we missed...should we have pressed harder with the orthopedic issues that have plagued him for at least 6 years? Even this time around it almost wasn't caught. Why didn't I suspect it was something more? He has always walked stiff backed and less loosely than others, but we just thought that was Matthew, not a problem.
Ahhh...this one I will probably struggle with for awhile. As Dominick and I talked about this evening, with Kenny we expected all that has happened. It doesn't make it easier, but we knew what was ahead. This was a complete surprise, and was perhaps preventable...if we had adopted him a few months sooner, if there had been better nutrition at a young age (being taken off formula at 4 months old and having tea in a bottle was certainly not helpful), who knows? Was there a genetic component? Did Matt experience some sort of traumatic event in the orphanage that caused a fracture? Was it a combination?
And the bigger question, will he have to go through surgery or will, by some miracle, this begin to heal on its own? The MD was quite skeptical but wanted to allow for the possibility, of course not wanting to jump too quickly to surgical intervention.
Where is the good in this? Where is God on days like this when I want to throw my hands up in the air and say "Why are you throwing us another loop??? This is too hard!". Thankfully, blessedly, God's presence is felt even on days like this when my own exhaustion magnifies everything.
Let's find God tonight, because I need to:
In the span of just a few short days Dominick and I could have found ourselves under mounting debt with a quick hit of $10,000 owed in medical bills for the boys with our insurance deductible needing to be paid, but God has taken care of that for us with wonderful hospitals and terrific physicians and coverage for bills that we would be at the bank tomorrow taking out a loan to cover. Tonight though, we are not filling out loan applications nor worrying about their care over the coming years.
Kenny feels he is handsome. Finally.
Matthew's back is not broken. Well, technically due to the fracture I guess it is, but he is not paralyzed, nor bound for a wheelchair for the rest of his life.
Three kids are physically healthy.
Five kids are emotionally healthy.
Monday evening while playing in the park, I was sitting and visiting with friends on a bench in the twilight when one of them turns to me and says "You can sure see that your children love their Mom a whole lot, and they are so kind!".
Dominick's business is still afloat, despite how hard a year it has been. Food was on the table tonight, even if it was a quickie of french toast sticks and grapes.
We didn't have a flat tire on the way home.
There are friends who continue to love us, nurture us and support us, even when it is hard, even when they must get sick of spending free time helping us out. Phone calls checking up on us while still driving through No Man's Land (Thanks Jill!), emails, hugs...what a precious gift each one is.
Oh, I needed that! God IS all around, God is in the laughter in the next room, in the crickets chirping outside, in Sunny curled up on the couch, in my warm bed waiting for me.
Tomorrow will be recuperation day. No place to go, no reason to get up early, nothing we have to do. All worries I think I am going to put in God's hip pocket for the evening. It can all be handed back over to me tomorrow if I decide I really need to carry it all.
And maybe, if I am indeed growing in wisdom and maturity, I will leave those worries right there in God's pocket where they really belong.
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