I mentioned in my post yesterday that Joshie is heading into another episode with RAD, and clearly that is what is happening. I always try to share here about our experiences with Reactive Attachment Disorder for a couple of reasons. First of all, the media tends to highlight the worst cases, and folks tend to make assumptions about a child with that label...no, Josh has not tried to burn the tail off of cats, nor has he stood at the foot of our bed with an ax in hand.
And yes, the potential was absolutely there.
Those who know only the Joshie of today certainly must think I am exaggerating with that kind of statement, but believe me, I am not. RAD is nothing to mess with, it is a soul killer. If the child I encountered in infancy had been left to his own devices and had we lived in denial saying "Oh, it'll all be OK...we'll just love him through it!" we would have a very, very different child in front of us, probably one I would be afraid of at 9 years old.
Another reason I try to openly explain what we are going through is because there are very, very few folks who do. You hear about the extremes, and yet you seldom have parents who blog or write much about what happens long term with children who are healing from RAD. We know what they are like as infants, and we know what they are like as teens, but what about those who have made progress? What happens after those terrible toddler years?
For some reason, parents are embarrassed and ashamed to share, as if they created the problem, and consequently no one has the opportunity to learn from them. They end up judging themselves unfairly for being unable to create a loving relationship with a child whose ability to do so is terribly damaged, for they fear it reflects on them. So I have continued to write, to keep the blog public, and yes, our children know I write about all we have gone through. Believe it or not, they are supportive and encourage me to do so, for as Kenny put it recently "Mom, maybe someone can not be as frustrated as you have been. Maybe someone can learn about kids like me and it will be easier for them with their child. It's like having a secret that can save someone, and you won't share it. I am proud of you for telling our story because its a good one and it helps other people."
So, here we sit, 8 years post adoption with Joshua, who at 9 years old is bright, funny, tender and very connected. He also harbors great fears that come out in an almost cyclical timetable, and I had just told someone this week that he was doing great and I was surprised as we are sort of "due" for a flare up, Next time I am shutting my mouth. That very night I came home and Dominick told me "Josh is starting to freak out over the dog, he is afraid Sunny will get lost and has asked over and over again tonight where she is." the next day, Joshie asked no less than a dozen times where the dog was, was she safe, and he couldn't settle in without actually seeing where she was. He, who is Mr. Stable most of the time, had a melt down over school work when there was no pressure at all and he was merely writing a story. He also panicked when we were at the park, and Dominick and I moved the car to get the kids...the other kids reported that he immediately got scared even though we moved just a few parking spots over while he was watching the car. I am betting we have some night terrors arise over the next week or so, and probably bed wetting again as well, for he is literally terrified in his sleep as he cries out "Mommy...mommy...don't leave me!"
And this is 8 years later, and he was only 11 months old.
Yea, I know, no one believes it. I hate that we have to. He has incredibly supportive siblings who all care and understand that he can't easily get rid of those emotions that creep up. They nurture him, they love him, they soothe him and reassure him as best they can. It helps. But the only thing that really would have helped is if he had never been abandoned in the first place.
Thankfully it is not constant, thankfully he feels as fully connected as he ever will. Sometimes I wonder if he will ever, ever really shake it off, or if he will spend his entire life with this lingering insecurity. All we can do is continue to support him, to point out how strong he is growing internally and help him tap that strength, and to be there as best we can be.
We will see what the coming weeks bring, maybe he'll only be obsessing over the dog for another couple of weeks...or maybe a couple months. At least he won't be washing his hands raw, nor is he currently plucking his eyelashes constantly. Yes, a little OCD in the mix as well :-)
With Team LaJoy, there is never, ever a dull moment.
And yes, the potential was absolutely there.
Those who know only the Joshie of today certainly must think I am exaggerating with that kind of statement, but believe me, I am not. RAD is nothing to mess with, it is a soul killer. If the child I encountered in infancy had been left to his own devices and had we lived in denial saying "Oh, it'll all be OK...we'll just love him through it!" we would have a very, very different child in front of us, probably one I would be afraid of at 9 years old.
Another reason I try to openly explain what we are going through is because there are very, very few folks who do. You hear about the extremes, and yet you seldom have parents who blog or write much about what happens long term with children who are healing from RAD. We know what they are like as infants, and we know what they are like as teens, but what about those who have made progress? What happens after those terrible toddler years?
For some reason, parents are embarrassed and ashamed to share, as if they created the problem, and consequently no one has the opportunity to learn from them. They end up judging themselves unfairly for being unable to create a loving relationship with a child whose ability to do so is terribly damaged, for they fear it reflects on them. So I have continued to write, to keep the blog public, and yes, our children know I write about all we have gone through. Believe it or not, they are supportive and encourage me to do so, for as Kenny put it recently "Mom, maybe someone can not be as frustrated as you have been. Maybe someone can learn about kids like me and it will be easier for them with their child. It's like having a secret that can save someone, and you won't share it. I am proud of you for telling our story because its a good one and it helps other people."
So, here we sit, 8 years post adoption with Joshua, who at 9 years old is bright, funny, tender and very connected. He also harbors great fears that come out in an almost cyclical timetable, and I had just told someone this week that he was doing great and I was surprised as we are sort of "due" for a flare up, Next time I am shutting my mouth. That very night I came home and Dominick told me "Josh is starting to freak out over the dog, he is afraid Sunny will get lost and has asked over and over again tonight where she is." the next day, Joshie asked no less than a dozen times where the dog was, was she safe, and he couldn't settle in without actually seeing where she was. He, who is Mr. Stable most of the time, had a melt down over school work when there was no pressure at all and he was merely writing a story. He also panicked when we were at the park, and Dominick and I moved the car to get the kids...the other kids reported that he immediately got scared even though we moved just a few parking spots over while he was watching the car. I am betting we have some night terrors arise over the next week or so, and probably bed wetting again as well, for he is literally terrified in his sleep as he cries out "Mommy...mommy...don't leave me!"
And this is 8 years later, and he was only 11 months old.
Yea, I know, no one believes it. I hate that we have to. He has incredibly supportive siblings who all care and understand that he can't easily get rid of those emotions that creep up. They nurture him, they love him, they soothe him and reassure him as best they can. It helps. But the only thing that really would have helped is if he had never been abandoned in the first place.
Thankfully it is not constant, thankfully he feels as fully connected as he ever will. Sometimes I wonder if he will ever, ever really shake it off, or if he will spend his entire life with this lingering insecurity. All we can do is continue to support him, to point out how strong he is growing internally and help him tap that strength, and to be there as best we can be.
We will see what the coming weeks bring, maybe he'll only be obsessing over the dog for another couple of weeks...or maybe a couple months. At least he won't be washing his hands raw, nor is he currently plucking his eyelashes constantly. Yes, a little OCD in the mix as well :-)
With Team LaJoy, there is never, ever a dull moment.
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