Most of those hugs were from my kids, each at different moments reminding me gently yet firmly that all is well.
Joshie curled up beside me in bed this morning, his gentle face in slumber looking angelic, which is funnily how we all sort of view him.
Matthew walking in the parking lot of a store with his arms wrapped around my waist, leaning in for quiet Mom conversation.
Kenny with his arms draped over my shoulders as we watch a movie on TV this evening, leaning over to give me a peck on the cheek.
Olesya standing enfolded in my arms, head on my chest for the longest time, then looking up at me saying "Mama...I almost fall asleep like this!" and giving me her classic grin.
Angela with her head on my lap, my fingers whispery soft through her hair as she holds on to my other arm with all her might.
These are the moments that keep me going, these are the reminders of what it is all about.
We went to the local air show this morning, and it surprised me with a powerful moment of its own. Standing there proudly with hands over hearts as the national anthem was sung with gusto and resonance, I was struck by the presence of my long deceased Dad, whose love for country and airplanes were second only to his love for family. It was here on this very space where he sometimes worked on private planes himself, and I wondered what he would have thought of standing there with his Kazakh and Kyrgyz grandchildren beside him soaking up the atmosphere and peppering him with questions. Alas, that was never to be, and his grandchildren were not even a glimmer in our eye when he passed on, for we had much growing and journeying to do ourselves before bringing Matt to fruition...but his first grandson would have been a sheer delight to him with his own love of aircraft and all things military, and it is hard at moments not to see that somehow both of them got ripped off by that. But Dad visits me in Matt sometimes, and others have thankfully stepped in with similar passions and interests to fill the void.
Tonight, on the way back from dropping my mom off, I had Angela alone with me in the car and I said to her "I have something I want to show you...something special...". We drove up to the top of a hill that overlooks the town. It was the very spot Dominick and I used to drive to when we were kids dating...and sat there talking and dreaming about our future life together. While it does not feel like my town any longer, it once was the place where my dreams began, and looking out over it with my daughter by my side was a special experience. It was a blending of the old and new, and she was awestruck by the beauty, for she has had very little opportunity to be out at night ever, and to see such a nightscape stretched out before her caused a little gasp of pleasure as she said "Oh mama...this so purdy!".
We sat there for a moment quietly, side by side, then I began to share about the mistakes I had made as a kid living in this town, how I was glad I had a forgiving mother whom she now had met and who loved me unconditionally even when I had certainly hurt her at times, for children hurt their parents, and parents hurt their children. It is part of being in relationship with one another and perfection is unachievable. I talked about how fortunate her own biological mother was to have a forgiving daughter who was filled with the capacity to love even after being hurt and abandoned, and how proud I was of her for being able to see her mom for the bad mom she was, and yet still show such courage and strength to be able to she respect and love for her despite all that had happened.
Then, way up high there, looking down on the city of my own youth, I told her that I knew how deeply sorry she was for hurting us, and I said "I know it is because you feel more and more love for us that it bothers you even more now than it did then..." and she started to cry softly. I said to her "Just as my mom has forgiven me over and over again, just as you have forgiven your own mother over and over again, I too will forgive you over and over again. Always. It is what mothers and children do with each other, it is what God does with us. God forgives us, and has forgiven me for so many things I can't even begin to tell you all of them." I then went on "I don't want you to carry this in your heart any more, I want you to really know that it is OK to make mistakes, because I am here for you forever no matter what you do. Your first mom couldn't handle being a real mom, I can. You are a strong girl and I am a strong woman, and together we share something wonderful and beautiful in that strength. Real moms know their kids will make mistakes as they learn how to grow up, and what happened in Kazakhstan is a beautiful part of our story together, not something to be ashamed of or feel bad about. It shows how God's love can help us all forgive and love each other in a special way. And I know that you will forgive me for all the mistakes I will make in being your mom, and that you have already forgiven me for all the things I have done wrong already!".
Angela sat there quietly taking it all in, a tear falling occasionally, and then she spoke "I no want my old mom to ever be my mom again, I no want "--" to be my mom, I no want "--" to be my mom...I want only you forever. You most beautiful strong mom and I so so glad I come home with you and Papa. Thank you Mama for not mad at me. I be so sad if you not be my Mama and I stay in Kazakhstan. You good lovely Mama, you make best family."
Staring ahead at the glow that settles over Camarillo every evening, I held my daughter's hand in my own. Our warmth shared, palm to palm, heart to heart., much as I had shared that same loving warmth with my own husband to be all those years ago...palm to palm and heart to heart. That love grew and grew, and out of it sprung this circle of love called a family, one with enough spaciousness for imperfection, and enough grace for forgiveness.
Tonight I might be awoken again by stifled sobs from bad dreams, or nudges caused by a painful tooth. I might have to change a bed, dress a naked little boy, or remain awake with worries of future lives impacted by the actions of others long before they ever became ours. But I will rest well in between, knowing I am living a dream unlike what many others would ever aspire to, one that might not feel very enriching for some but for me is the fulfillment of so much that went unspoken for so long. I will know it will continue to be challenging in ways others might not ever understand or desire, and I will again be exhausted and overwhelmed. But I can always trust God's bear hugs will come, that just as I reassure our children that they are not alone in this world I too can take away much from that lesson for practical application.
Living a life of calling and purpose is not for wimps, but you all already know that as so many of you walk that life as well. So do our kids, and they are learning it through us, as we learned it from Jesus. But it makes for the most meaningful possible life, of that I am sure. I am so glad I was reawakened to that fact today. It will make tonight and tomorrow and all the other tomorrows be filled with the richness that comes from walking through the "it's not easy".
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