I don't think I ever could fully find the words to share the sheer terror that at moments coursed through my soul over in Kazakhstan, and that terror did not revolve so much around bringing home pre-teen girls who came to us with such a rocky start (No, that terror was reserved for later...hahaha!).
It was homeschooling them.
Homeschooling them all...5 kids...no experience...2 brand spanking new English Language Learners, one not so new English Language Learner with obvious learning issues, one accelerated learner, and one right on target sweetie pie.
All by myself, uneducated in the ways of teaching, inexperienced as can be, and thinking to myself "Shoot God, you really know how to freak a gal out, don't you? Couldn't have asked anything a little less scary of me, could you?" and yet knowing full well that this wasn't really a choice I was being given, this was a calling I was being asked to acknowledge. Of course I DID have a choice and do every day of my life, for that is what free will is all about, but that doesn't mean I want to allow myself that choice to go against what it feels like God has asked of me.
Dominick tried to calm my fears about it, yet we both knew the burden rested solely on my shoulders for the most part and that I had his support but his way of truly supporting the effort was to go out and somehow earn enough greenbacks to keep me home to be able to do it.
I walked the floors countless sleepless evenings, crying and scared over any number of things, but this was the biggest one. I tried to imagine our first days home and where would I even begin, how would I start??? I told myself over and over again that I was not qualified to do this and yet knew our daughters would be so very vulnerable if we placed them in school, which is also an odd thing because they are both incredibly strong, but that vulnerability has played out in just what we are seeing right now...living the life of mermaids and playing with playdough, and the need to do things they would be ashamed to do in front of typical kids their age. Somehow, at a gut level I knew all of this (thanks for the wisdom and years of research, God!) and couldn't ignore it. I also was beginning to see things in Kenny that scared me, reinforcing my opinion that something wasn't right and his issues were far larger than just being home 3 years and needing more time. How would I be able to work with that? And how would I do all this and still give Matt and Josh what they needed?
OK..so some of those questions still remain, but this week they took their
testing required by our program for the beginning of the year, and Mom got her report card. It was pretty darned good, if I say so myself, and I couldn't be more pleased.
And I finally let go of the breath I had been holding since December.
You won't believe this, we have been home a mere 6 months with the girls who spoke barely a lick of English.
Olesya tested out as reading at 2nd grade 3rd month and Angela at 3rd grade 2nd month!!!!!! Not an ounce of help, their test took them each close to two hours and their speed is slow, but man, I am STUNNED at their progress!! Olesya even tested at 3rd grade science! We have a ways to go with Language Arts, but Angela scored 2nd grade while Olesya struggles with the concepts on some things and scored below 2nd (they only start at 2nd with the scale).
Olesya was not reading well in Russian, and Angela had shared with me that there were often tears from her as she did her homework, but that she was a good student and cared a lot. For her to be reading this well in English after only having 2 1/4 years of school in Kazakhstan is a huge deal, heck it is a huge deal for both of them and Angela eagerly leaned over my shoulder after completing each test to see how she scored, and it was such a pleasure to watch her face light up to see the results of their hard work. And believe me, it has been HARD work...these girls have rocked it and never let up, and their reward came when seeing that score.
We had some success with Kenny as well, having tested for a baseline at the end of May, he showed a 5 word per minute increase and a small bump in reading level. While his comprehension is at 4th grade, it is his fluency that is getting in his way of taking off, but it looks like jumping back to beginning phonics and letting him read lots of "baby" books which he never had the chance to do in school as everyone kept moving ahead of him is helping.
Joshie took the test for the first time and scored mid 2nd grade on everything and beginning 3rd for math, all of which was no surprise to us and he is a steady little student who will do well.
Matthew quietly rocked the house and not yet entering 6th grade he scored mid-8th on science and math, and is essentially done with their scoring on reading at 10th grade level as that is the highest they go on this program. What I loved most was his quiet grin, and he walked away feeling no need whatsoever to brag to his siblings. Yet he cheered them all on when we were celebrating their successes.
Wanna know why going against birth order and all the adoption "rules" works in our house? Wanna know why both Angela and Kenny view Matt as their eldest sibling in all ways but a number? It is because of the character of this young man who leads the way all good leaders do...quietly and humbly, and walking in the way God has taught him too. The quietest one has never asserted his place, he simply reflects his maturity and thoughtfulness in non-showy ways and has earned the respect of every single person in our family because of it, including his parents.
So, we look forward to our vacation while still bringing books along so we don't loose all momentum. We recognize there are learning opportunities everywhere and take advantage of them. We know we have oodles of life learning to go with the girls and Kenny.
And me? I am smiling more and stressing a little less, knowing we are in our groove now and that I am not a total failure as I had anticipated I might be. I also rest in the knowledge that while this might not be everyone's idea of a life well lived, for me, it is. I have conquered yet another midnight monster and won, at least for now. I can feel relieved that I am not letting my kids down, at least for now. I can hang my head in shame as I realize how little I trusted God to "equip the called not call the equipped", and continue to trust that in the future as they grow older, somehow God will continue to equip me to do my job.
For this IS a job, believe me, it is not easy and it is thoroughly engaging despite the lack of a fat paycheck as a reward. No, my reward comes in the "light bulb" moments I get to see with my very own kids when they totally get something they didn't get 10 minutes ago. I get to be present for most of their learning and to watch the slow, steady gains and celebrate with them. I get to see the frustration and the tears as Angela had the other day trying to learn to make chance saying "This is SO hard" as she put her head on the table out of collective frustration over EVERYTHING and gave in to it for just a moment....and I could be right there to lift her up, let her burrow into my shoulder for a bit and whisper to her "You are strong, and everything has been so hard for the past 6 months...go ahead and cry, it's OK....you'll get it soon." I then had the ultimate pleasure of seeing her master it 10 minutes later and jump up and down saying "I can do this!"
Of course she can...they all can. So can I.
It was homeschooling them.
Homeschooling them all...5 kids...no experience...2 brand spanking new English Language Learners, one not so new English Language Learner with obvious learning issues, one accelerated learner, and one right on target sweetie pie.
All by myself, uneducated in the ways of teaching, inexperienced as can be, and thinking to myself "Shoot God, you really know how to freak a gal out, don't you? Couldn't have asked anything a little less scary of me, could you?" and yet knowing full well that this wasn't really a choice I was being given, this was a calling I was being asked to acknowledge. Of course I DID have a choice and do every day of my life, for that is what free will is all about, but that doesn't mean I want to allow myself that choice to go against what it feels like God has asked of me.
Dominick tried to calm my fears about it, yet we both knew the burden rested solely on my shoulders for the most part and that I had his support but his way of truly supporting the effort was to go out and somehow earn enough greenbacks to keep me home to be able to do it.
I walked the floors countless sleepless evenings, crying and scared over any number of things, but this was the biggest one. I tried to imagine our first days home and where would I even begin, how would I start??? I told myself over and over again that I was not qualified to do this and yet knew our daughters would be so very vulnerable if we placed them in school, which is also an odd thing because they are both incredibly strong, but that vulnerability has played out in just what we are seeing right now...living the life of mermaids and playing with playdough, and the need to do things they would be ashamed to do in front of typical kids their age. Somehow, at a gut level I knew all of this (thanks for the wisdom and years of research, God!) and couldn't ignore it. I also was beginning to see things in Kenny that scared me, reinforcing my opinion that something wasn't right and his issues were far larger than just being home 3 years and needing more time. How would I be able to work with that? And how would I do all this and still give Matt and Josh what they needed?
OK..so some of those questions still remain, but this week they took their
testing required by our program for the beginning of the year, and Mom got her report card. It was pretty darned good, if I say so myself, and I couldn't be more pleased.And I finally let go of the breath I had been holding since December.
You won't believe this, we have been home a mere 6 months with the girls who spoke barely a lick of English.
Olesya tested out as reading at 2nd grade 3rd month and Angela at 3rd grade 2nd month!!!!!! Not an ounce of help, their test took them each close to two hours and their speed is slow, but man, I am STUNNED at their progress!! Olesya even tested at 3rd grade science! We have a ways to go with Language Arts, but Angela scored 2nd grade while Olesya struggles with the concepts on some things and scored below 2nd (they only start at 2nd with the scale).
Olesya was not reading well in Russian, and Angela had shared with me that there were often tears from her as she did her homework, but that she was a good student and cared a lot. For her to be reading this well in English after only having 2 1/4 years of school in Kazakhstan is a huge deal, heck it is a huge deal for both of them and Angela eagerly leaned over my shoulder after completing each test to see how she scored, and it was such a pleasure to watch her face light up to see the results of their hard work. And believe me, it has been HARD work...these girls have rocked it and never let up, and their reward came when seeing that score.
We had some success with Kenny as well, having tested for a baseline at the end of May, he showed a 5 word per minute increase and a small bump in reading level. While his comprehension is at 4th grade, it is his fluency that is getting in his way of taking off, but it looks like jumping back to beginning phonics and letting him read lots of "baby" books which he never had the chance to do in school as everyone kept moving ahead of him is helping.
Joshie took the test for the first time and scored mid 2nd grade on everything and beginning 3rd for math, all of which was no surprise to us and he is a steady little student who will do well.
Matthew quietly rocked the house and not yet entering 6th grade he scored mid-8th on science and math, and is essentially done with their scoring on reading at 10th grade level as that is the highest they go on this program. What I loved most was his quiet grin, and he walked away feeling no need whatsoever to brag to his siblings. Yet he cheered them all on when we were celebrating their successes.
Wanna know why going against birth order and all the adoption "rules" works in our house? Wanna know why both Angela and Kenny view Matt as their eldest sibling in all ways but a number? It is because of the character of this young man who leads the way all good leaders do...quietly and humbly, and walking in the way God has taught him too. The quietest one has never asserted his place, he simply reflects his maturity and thoughtfulness in non-showy ways and has earned the respect of every single person in our family because of it, including his parents.
So, we look forward to our vacation while still bringing books along so we don't loose all momentum. We recognize there are learning opportunities everywhere and take advantage of them. We know we have oodles of life learning to go with the girls and Kenny.
And me? I am smiling more and stressing a little less, knowing we are in our groove now and that I am not a total failure as I had anticipated I might be. I also rest in the knowledge that while this might not be everyone's idea of a life well lived, for me, it is. I have conquered yet another midnight monster and won, at least for now. I can feel relieved that I am not letting my kids down, at least for now. I can hang my head in shame as I realize how little I trusted God to "equip the called not call the equipped", and continue to trust that in the future as they grow older, somehow God will continue to equip me to do my job.
For this IS a job, believe me, it is not easy and it is thoroughly engaging despite the lack of a fat paycheck as a reward. No, my reward comes in the "light bulb" moments I get to see with my very own kids when they totally get something they didn't get 10 minutes ago. I get to be present for most of their learning and to watch the slow, steady gains and celebrate with them. I get to see the frustration and the tears as Angela had the other day trying to learn to make chance saying "This is SO hard" as she put her head on the table out of collective frustration over EVERYTHING and gave in to it for just a moment....and I could be right there to lift her up, let her burrow into my shoulder for a bit and whisper to her "You are strong, and everything has been so hard for the past 6 months...go ahead and cry, it's OK....you'll get it soon." I then had the ultimate pleasure of seeing her master it 10 minutes later and jump up and down saying "I can do this!"
Of course she can...they all can. So can I.
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