So here it is, Mother's Day evening, and I just got off the phone after spending a couple of hours chatting with my own Mom. Today has extra special meaning for us, as it was the day Matthew was placed in our arms forever and we walked out of the orphanage with him and into a new life for all of us. It was also 6 years ago today that another new phase occurred in our life when we walked through the doors of our beloved church for the first time. How could I have ever imagined the handsome, gentle young man who stands before us today? How could I have ever imagined a walk in faith that is as rich and deep as it is today?
I also read yet another article earlier this morning about the recent book released titled "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" in which the author, Amy Chua, a Chinese American mother shares her very low opinion of American parenting styles, and proudly points to her own borderline abusive parenting style which has reaped many rewards in the form of her highly successful daughters. According to Chua, American parents are permissive and coddle their children far too much, and low expectations produce mediocre young adults...you know the kind...basically we are talking about my kids I guess...the ones who are unlikely to attend Yale, where she teaches, will not bring home academic awards to brag about, nor will have sports achievements to point to. Yea, she is totally talking about my kids.
I admit it, I am an utter failure at Tiger Mother Parenting. So was my own Mom. I never went to college, never achieved success in the working world, certainly was never a sports star. I was, and remain, rather ordinary in every possible way. Perhaps it is my own mediocrity which leads me to parent the way I do, with little regard for eventual SAT scores or absolutely zero appreciation for what class ranking my children might one day have. It is one of the reasons we fell so easily into homeschooling once I (again a low achiever) gathered the necessary courage to step outside the societal norm of public education. With five kids at home and only 2 in the same grade, class rank is a pointless measuring stick, as it actually is in my opinion in non-homeschool situations anyway.
So, am I dooming my kids to a lifetime of being garbage collectors and unskilled laborers because of my own inability to grasp how terribly important it is to claw our way to the top? Should I be spending this Mother's Day with my head hung in shame at all that I have failed to instill in my children and all that I have not pushed them to be?
Or should I recognize the truth that Amy Chua may not ever have eyes to see herself, that we have many different tools with which to measure "success", and the tools I use are not even remotely similar to the ones she uses. Success for me has everything to do with character and heart, and nothing to do with our modern world ideals of gathering bragging rights, wealth and titles.
I would feel I were a successful mother even if our kids never attended college, but were responsible adults who had long lasting marriages and managed to raise children who also became responsible adults. I will feel successful if our children can see the world around them with eyes that are capable of taking in the injustice in the world around them, and have the courage to step up to the plate to try to remedy the situation. Success for us will not be measured in IQ points or ACT scores, but in hours spent serving others and years spent showing love to their husbands, wives and children.
I guess Amy Chua and I will have to agree to disagree. It is highly likely I will never have bragging rights based upon the success of our children. What I will have is worth much more to me...the silent tear that falls as I witness a gentle touch or hear a kind comment, I'll get a puffed up chest over watching hard work offered with no request having been made, I'll feel double blessed when I receive the compliments from others about thank you cards sweetly worded and written unprompted.
These are different kinds of accomplishments, that is true, and we might even see a college graduate or two out of our crew. But that college graduation would be meaningless and empty without the knowledge that our children have grown up to be Heart people. Success for the mere sake of success is meaningless. Success in pursuit of a higher calling is profoundly moving. That higher calling is what it is all about, and I am not speaking of ministry per se, but of discovering God's intent for your life and following it wherever it leads you, no matter how scary, and doing so with as much grace as you can muster. Our man made conventional ideas of success have very little to do with the image God places before us of what success might look like.
Amy Chua would look at me and no doubt shake her head in disgust as she turned on her heel and walked the other way. I am no Tiger Mother and I have no battle hymn. If I have any trait attributable to some sort of animal form, the most appropriate title might be to call me "Owl Mom"...one who sits patiently up in a tree, imparting hard earned wisdom acquired at the School of Hard Knocks, and calling out in the night "Whooo Whooo....Who will you be? Whoooo?" to my children as they take stutter steps out into the world, stretching their own wings as they try on new personas and test the winds. The only hymn would not be a battle cry, but would most definitely be a love song, the kind that sticks in your head and replays over and over again, reminding them daily...hourly...that they are loved always and forever, regardless of their outward success.
I'd make a terrible Tiger Mother. I think that pleases me.
Happy Mother's Day to all you mother's out there...the ones who continue to wait for children to be born or adopted, the ones whose children have long ago left the nest, the ones who have never legally or biologically parented but who have mothered many who have crossed your paths. Thank you for being the mother's you are and continue to be.
Thank you to my own mom, who in so many ways influenced me and helped me become the mother I am.
I also read yet another article earlier this morning about the recent book released titled "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother" in which the author, Amy Chua, a Chinese American mother shares her very low opinion of American parenting styles, and proudly points to her own borderline abusive parenting style which has reaped many rewards in the form of her highly successful daughters. According to Chua, American parents are permissive and coddle their children far too much, and low expectations produce mediocre young adults...you know the kind...basically we are talking about my kids I guess...the ones who are unlikely to attend Yale, where she teaches, will not bring home academic awards to brag about, nor will have sports achievements to point to. Yea, she is totally talking about my kids.
I admit it, I am an utter failure at Tiger Mother Parenting. So was my own Mom. I never went to college, never achieved success in the working world, certainly was never a sports star. I was, and remain, rather ordinary in every possible way. Perhaps it is my own mediocrity which leads me to parent the way I do, with little regard for eventual SAT scores or absolutely zero appreciation for what class ranking my children might one day have. It is one of the reasons we fell so easily into homeschooling once I (again a low achiever) gathered the necessary courage to step outside the societal norm of public education. With five kids at home and only 2 in the same grade, class rank is a pointless measuring stick, as it actually is in my opinion in non-homeschool situations anyway.
So, am I dooming my kids to a lifetime of being garbage collectors and unskilled laborers because of my own inability to grasp how terribly important it is to claw our way to the top? Should I be spending this Mother's Day with my head hung in shame at all that I have failed to instill in my children and all that I have not pushed them to be?
Or should I recognize the truth that Amy Chua may not ever have eyes to see herself, that we have many different tools with which to measure "success", and the tools I use are not even remotely similar to the ones she uses. Success for me has everything to do with character and heart, and nothing to do with our modern world ideals of gathering bragging rights, wealth and titles.
I would feel I were a successful mother even if our kids never attended college, but were responsible adults who had long lasting marriages and managed to raise children who also became responsible adults. I will feel successful if our children can see the world around them with eyes that are capable of taking in the injustice in the world around them, and have the courage to step up to the plate to try to remedy the situation. Success for us will not be measured in IQ points or ACT scores, but in hours spent serving others and years spent showing love to their husbands, wives and children.
I guess Amy Chua and I will have to agree to disagree. It is highly likely I will never have bragging rights based upon the success of our children. What I will have is worth much more to me...the silent tear that falls as I witness a gentle touch or hear a kind comment, I'll get a puffed up chest over watching hard work offered with no request having been made, I'll feel double blessed when I receive the compliments from others about thank you cards sweetly worded and written unprompted.
These are different kinds of accomplishments, that is true, and we might even see a college graduate or two out of our crew. But that college graduation would be meaningless and empty without the knowledge that our children have grown up to be Heart people. Success for the mere sake of success is meaningless. Success in pursuit of a higher calling is profoundly moving. That higher calling is what it is all about, and I am not speaking of ministry per se, but of discovering God's intent for your life and following it wherever it leads you, no matter how scary, and doing so with as much grace as you can muster. Our man made conventional ideas of success have very little to do with the image God places before us of what success might look like.
Amy Chua would look at me and no doubt shake her head in disgust as she turned on her heel and walked the other way. I am no Tiger Mother and I have no battle hymn. If I have any trait attributable to some sort of animal form, the most appropriate title might be to call me "Owl Mom"...one who sits patiently up in a tree, imparting hard earned wisdom acquired at the School of Hard Knocks, and calling out in the night "Whooo Whooo....Who will you be? Whoooo?" to my children as they take stutter steps out into the world, stretching their own wings as they try on new personas and test the winds. The only hymn would not be a battle cry, but would most definitely be a love song, the kind that sticks in your head and replays over and over again, reminding them daily...hourly...that they are loved always and forever, regardless of their outward success.
I'd make a terrible Tiger Mother. I think that pleases me.
Happy Mother's Day to all you mother's out there...the ones who continue to wait for children to be born or adopted, the ones whose children have long ago left the nest, the ones who have never legally or biologically parented but who have mothered many who have crossed your paths. Thank you for being the mother's you are and continue to be.
Thank you to my own mom, who in so many ways influenced me and helped me become the mother I am.
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